goodness stressed i just dont know evil
oh yea i have to explain first sweatdrop redface
ok well maby it was a month and a half after school started and i had been an aquantence of this guy (in a way) we saw eachother everyday and takl more or less than 4 times a week but only about school (i can be a BIG talker if i have the right subject but this was school and as long as i care i will not be so destracted during class to get homework just because i was talking) so we didn't know much about eachother (thought from what i could gather about him is his attitude about school and was i used to be when i was in 5th, 6th, and 7th grade. defencive, defiant, assuming that everyone thought him stupid or slow(we both go to content mastery because we have lerning disabilitys so in a was we could relate realy well(thought i never told him) and could understand eachother much clearer if we had talked) he was the only other person in the class who also went to CM so we got to see A LOT of one another (like everyday!) so if we had an assinment the teacher would send us down together (it was a school rule that we had to go we had no choice) and we would talk about the stupidity of the teachers (sadly i used to think that way so i could get in that frame of mind so he wouldn't think i was a goody 2 shoes(i realy do try not to care what peeps think of me but i cant help it sometimes) and he talked to ME frist and i just thought it would be one of those CM relasionship like always only talk when we HAVE to and only about the work and i would give them the answer and i would explain why it was the way it was but i dont think they EVER listened so on the test they failed and blamed me and i think that teachers who also have the same learing handycaps as us is the only one who could realate and teach alot better so i tryed to be like that and i think i did a good job for someone who is a student trying to be a temparary teacher at the same time but that talk is for another time) but i got realy sick of his anti school attitude and he was so bright (peeps like us usaly are) and that attitude was his only true handycap he could do grate things if he only saw his attitude and pride was holding him back and not the teachers
(anyway) all of a sudden he asked if i would go out with him and it wasn't over the phone or a passed note he asked me face to face and i know how hard it is for boys to do this (my dad and i talk about his childhood all the time and how hard it was for him as a boy and i gave the girls side and it seems no one has it worse than the other) and i was so touched and amazed at his courage so i said yes. redface
after that nothing seem to change. i realy had no idea how to be a GF i had never had a BF before but i was almost sure it wasn't like this, i didn't have any feelings of love or hate he was kinda nice to hang out with (but we only did once) one day during class someone asked if we were going out (for the hundrenth time) if we weren't i would ignore the question and blush (and that was usaly when i was trying to check his warm-up) so this time i was in my desk (thank god!) so i told the truth and thay said congaulations (in a VERY loud voice) and thay passed it on in whispers by now i was done with me warm-up and the teacher check it and told me to check his (she now know we were going out) so i got up nervesly like always (i HATE standing or talking in class and i had to do BOTH at the same time so i was shaking) and as always he asked if i was ok (he being the only one who could see i was shaking and was concered with it) and as always i said i was fine with a trembling voice (an obveuse ly on my part but he let it go) to make matters worse he had refused to do the Damn warm-up (he does that sometimes) befor i could ask him if he was having trouble with it, someone called 'hey, i herd you and her are finally going out' (oh s**t the third thing i feared in class having the whole class look at me) i could feel me blushing beat red, one the girls asked where he herd it and he said i had said it myself so it was the truth (oh double s**t it was MY fault) he looked at me then and his eyes were on fire (s**t!) so i hurred back to my desk and tryed to not draw attention to me too late thought a tear ran down my cheek (F#$@ what is wrong with me!? why do i have to care?! stressed crap, crap, and CRAP IT ALL) I WILL NOT FALL TO PEICES OVER A STUPID THING LIKE THIS!!!! i wipped the tear away and angry at myself i listened to the teacher and a apperently i looked so mad i was glaring at the teacher cause she pulled me aside after class and asked why i found it nesesary to glare at her so told her i was just having trouble consentrating and i was mad at myself for that and she looked at me as if i was gift from God and asked if i needed a review or something and i took itand now i had homework as punishment for my weekness (though i was so worryed about him and wondered how to apoligiz for emberesing him i couln't think of a single thing so i just stayed away) fat chance of that th teacher sent us to CM together more often than usaual but i keped it strikly to school talk after a while HE apoligized to ME of all peeps and he said he saw me crying. i told him it wan't his fault but i wouldn't tell him what was so he let it be (well now the 2nd 6 weeks had passed and we were geting new seats and gess what me and him were sitting right next to eachother gonk ) we were sending notes back and forth to eachother by now (BUT NOT BURING CLASS!!thats the last thing i would do i couldn't bair it) and he started asking questions about our relationship and what it was and were it was going or if it was moving at all and that got me thinking and i just kept saying im 2 young way to young to swped away from my dream of being a wrighter and my grades are slipping (and i had made Bs and A-es but now alot were creeping on the edge of a C or D and my parents doent ever give me crap about my homework and as long as i am satisfied with my grades so are thay and i knew i could do better i mean im in 8th grade to goodness sake this is rediculis) so my reply to his note was a long 4 sheetes of paper back and front but how i was WAY to young for this and i just dont know how to be a GF and i dont have time to lern now and we didn't know echother much anyway and we never did and probly never will and that i have alot of mental strugles im going through and that im just to brakable riht now and that he should find someone else and sorry. (i felt like dirt not because i lyed its because i told the truth and he probly wouldn't beleve me btu he replyed that i under estimated myself) and so the question is this why did he ask me in the first place we didn't know much about eachother and im not sexy in the least and when he looked at me it was as if he was always smug about something unknown, and like i was something to eat (thats the best way i can descibe it but it wan't like that in a way and in another way it was) even after we broke up.... oh i am soooooo confuzled and i am just oh i just dont know any more (well its not like i ever did)
inutasha89 Community Member 
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