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'Ten Million Pebbles" Rant
Life, Right Now, Isn’t As Good As I’d Like It To Be

There are several issues in my life right now that are seriously not going “too well”. When I think about the problems in my life I see that a lot of them follow along the same lines: I have no power over my choices and I am unable to go against the constant abashment of the universe.

Firstly, my brother is in the hospital. He is there because of mental health issues, and because he had been acting very strange around people at school. One specific episode sticks out in my mind. When at school, my brother Victor took off his shoes and said that he was flying around the room. Also, during this episode, he had been saying that the “Irish will be coming for you”, that he’s a “God King", and that he is a "Cult of Personality". Plainly enough, my elder sibling seemed to jumped over the creek of insanity.

Also, when he went into the asylum, he had won a lottery from the UK. Strangely enough it seems from his gaming that he had gotten the prize. I doubt that the prize is real but two million Canadian dollars is something worth inspecting. However, although the prize is a lot, I highly doubt its existence.

It's from "freelotto.com", and my sibling had an account with them. However, upon reading several google links, I found that there were a surprising amount of scam reports about freelotto. So I'm nearly positive that the emails my brother had gotten in the ward were fake. Probably.

So that's the first of my many 'pebbles'.

Another person who is in the hospital at this moment would be my grandmother. She is about 90 years old and has pneumonia. She is most probably going to die from this small disease. However, if she dies my mother gets about two to three million dollars. It's a lot of money, I think, but there is one problem. If my grandmother dies I lose my whole history, since she alone is the one who remembers it.

History of my family is very important. It's the only thing that consuls me when I see the disaster of my immediate family. Three of the four male children in my family has a strong amount and diagnose autism. The three siblings also have severe impediments, stretching from laziness to insanity.

The small insignificant fact that my ancestors came from Czechslovakia, and were semi-nobles, is fairly powerful piece of happiness for me. It makes me happy to know that a small bit of greatness flows in my veins. It's shallow, idiotic, and quite stupid: but the small thought of nobility gives me a smile once in a while. The loss of my grandmother would completely kill that feeling.

And another pebble has been placed onto my shoulders.

While all this is happening my mother's Liquor Store nearly fizzled. There are three things that nearly sunk her business: wrongly pricing things so that they're underprice, trusting certain people, and allowing people to take advantage of her.

Firstly, her prices for her items were set at the prices of July. That may not be a bad thing, when looked through the eye of a consumer. However, for a store owner it's a completely different matter. My mother only makes roughly 10% on every bottle. Normally for a case of 12 wine bottles it costs my mother a hundred dollars or so. She would tack on the 10%, making the $100 into an $110. However, people normally don't buy bottles in cases from a liquor store. So divide that $110 by 12. That's ten dollars per bottle, roughly.

During the summer of 2006 the Liquor 'system' broke down. The time required to ship beer went up. The time needed to examine and calculate the beer went up. Then, after those things and more, the price for alcohol went up. While the prices went up my mother's prices remained constant. So that ten dollar item then would have become a twenty dollar item. However, the woman's price remained the same and she lost a whole shwack of cash to her mistake.

She also trusted the wrong people. Actually, the word 'trusted' is wrong. She continues to trust the people that steal money from her store. This would include her current boyfriend who has been caught roughly five times for stealing money from the till. Also, another four employees have stolen right before my eyes.

The third problem is self explanatory. My mother is the trusting type. It's an insidious trait that she got from being born in the boondocks of northern Alberta. It's just sad when I watch her make mistakes about trusting people, even though she can visibly SEE the problems with the people she's trusting. She's been a psychologist for 20 years and can normally kill a smoking addiction in one session.

So when people take advantage of her it makes me really angry. I get angry at the thief/aggressor, my mother, and myself. Mostly I get angry with myself. I should be whopping a** and stopping every thief that enters my mother's store. I should be the person calculating the costs, and making everything perfect. I should be the one who should be making the store a success, and making the store a family possession for the next four-hundred years.

But what I should do and can do are two very different things. I'm underaged. I am sixteen years old. To work in a liquor store, and to actually drink liquor, a person has to be at least eighteen years old. I cannot do what I should do. It's.. Insane. Absolutely insane and it's driving me absolutely bonkers.

"Another rock, this time a boulder, / has been tossed onto my shoulders."

Another thing that has been bothering me is the fact that I have a blood pressure above 150. Then, compounded with this, would be the fact that I regularly have nosebleeds whenever I'm feeling slightly agitated. Slightly. Walking up and talking with people garners a small drizzle of blood from my nose. Showing people how to use Adobe Premier gives myself a small canal of blood. Even going out to the mall, or to the movies, gives me nosebleeds.

Then there's another fact about my health. I'm obese with my BMI (Body Mass Index) of thirty-one. I'm also a pre-diabetic. Compound these two issues with the high blood pressure, high stress, non-stope nosebleeds, and pre-diabetic problems: I have a pretty nasty collapse coming soon.

This would be another rock on my spine.

My father is moving to Vancouver. He is moving there with his new wife, and will be closing all ties with my family and I. This means that a) I will not be getting anything from his will because he'll be giving it to his new wife's children, b) I will now, infact, have no father, c) have no 'role model', and d) have no father figure to look for guidance.

Although, for B, C, and D, I have been without a father for ten years already. Heck, before my parents divorced I didn't have a father. My mother had to PAY my father to look after his children. Ten dollars an hour was his 'wage' for looking after his own children. Along with that, he rarely did any 'father-son' activities. It would have been better if my father had been the milkman, in other words.

So that would be another pebble.

Along with these piling up pebbles, nearly all the teachers at school are treating me different. I know it's not because I'm on the Honor Role or that I've helped about a quarter of the staff with video editing. I'm absolutely positive that most teachers at Aberhart are seeing me as the 'next person to explode' or that I'll be follow in my elder sibling's insanity.

It's when their voice goes a small bit higher in pitch, and when they try to spark a conversation with me about happy topics. Whenever I have to ask them a question they're "all ears". It's a freakish quality for my teachers when they're listening to me a hundred percent. Certain teachers I have consistently do this to me. It's even more apparent when they selectively ignore people who need more help than I.

This is annoying. I'm being treated like an autistic nonverbal idiot. I have some difficulty sending my thoughts clearly to other people. I do realize that I have difficulty explaining things, and that my mind goes too fast for me to verbalize my thoughts. However, for me to be treated differently from all my peers.. Is something I greatly dislike.

I'm being treated differently. Some people may want that, or need it, but I don't. High School is something that needs to be dealt with and finished as soon as possible. Lingering over whether someone hurts another's feelings is completely idiotic. Some tact when dealing with people is admirable, but it is wasted. Having 'special attention' isn't really a pebble. It's more of a piece of rock stabbed into the bottom of my feet, and whenever I walk it hinders me. Anyway, it's another piece of rock placed on me.

Ten million things are wrong right now. Contrast to this, though, ten million more things are going right. Although I see that a lot of things are going right in my life, I am unhappy with my existence. I am unhappy that I cannot control every aspect of my life. I am unhappy that I cannot control my anguish and anger against the universe. Furthermore, I am unhappy that I cannot bring to light the solutions to my 'Ten Million Pebbles".

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