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That really is how I feel like sometimes.
So far, I've been a mod for 12 days. Probably handled over 300 reports by now. I -know- that each day, I probably handled at least 50, so perhaps that number should be over 500... nah. ^^;
As of now, I'm still hella paranoid about doing anything that requires real mod skills in order to solve. I know mods are human and make mistakes, but still... I fear making a really bad mistake.
Shy and Wolfie, along with many of the other mods, have assured me that I'm doing an awesome job, but now my paranoia has a new source; living up to the expectations.
Everytime I can't answer a question; everytime I can't clear the queue; everytime I can only give a meager answer to a query, I worry if I'm really doing the right thing. I wonder if what I'm doing is satisfying all who rely on me on one level or another. I wonder if I'm making them proud.
Rationale behind my depressed/melancholy mood: I've been considering what life would've been like had I left the site back in Dec03 like I had planned, after foolmonsta/Joey left.
-Well for one, I wouldn't've become addicted to this place, treating it like my final lifeline.
-I wouldn't have become as outspoken as I am now
-I wouldn't have met the wonderful friends that I have
-I wouldn't have become such an integral part of the Exchange that I can't even leave if I wanted to
-The demographic of the GEN would be different; if I hadn't taken control, someone else would've
-I obviously wouldn't be a mod
But niichan said something interesting to me on this topic. He said that I had changed his life just from being here, which got me thinking. Am I really making a difference here, or am I simply another ripple in the pond that is Gaia? Does one person... can one person possibly make a difference in someone's life, despite the fact that they've never met in real life?
Have I really changed anyone's life here, or has the past year and nine months been simply play with no purpose?
Huh... more deep thinking ahead for me...
 Aquafire · Tue Feb 08, 2005 @ 08:37am · 2 Comments |
