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welcome to this special report on dead people.

i could not hold this valuable information from the public. it is important to inform all of your friends about the threat from dead people.

i will post all the info in a series of entries, inbetween thte normal programing.

sect 1
IDENTIFING THE DEAD.

dead people come in several forms. among these forms are zombies, the walking dead, manipulated dead, and extorted dead. all of them are to be assumed dangerous, unless they approach you with flowers, in which case you should run away even faster as these are the desperate dead who will propose to you. zombies are the most comman form, ranging from about 4ft in size to 7ft. they have a gooey skin and a soft inner core, and and can be hacked apart easily with any blunt object. they normally travel in pairs of two, so if you see one, then the other is either nearby or at starbucks. the walking dead are newly dead bodies turned evil. over time they will become pupaes, then transform into a zombie like a caterpiller into a butterfly. these corpses have soft, fleshy, rotting skin, but a hard inside. to finish them off you may employ the services of any lond, sharp object, or any automatic weapon. they tipically travel in large groups, which are easy to pick off en-mass with a small incendiary devices or a rocket launcher, both of wich can be found in the illegal/dangerous stuff department at your local store. the mext form of the dead are the manipulated dead. they are dead bodies employed by some other-worldly force to assist the living reciever in thier mission to stop the world from ending. they often wear demonic bunny masks, and death and placebo pills will enter your life if you mention them to anyone. they normally travel alone, but have been known to congregate in large groups for bachelor parties or Donnie Darko video showings. they are not nescecerilly dangerous but they are sort of creepy. if you wish to finish one off shoot it in the eye with a gun stolen from your parents closet. the last category of dead people is the extorted dead. they are created when someone who has been ripped off or cheated dies with an unfulfilled revenge. they are the rarest of all dead, and the most dangerous othe than the desperate dead. they travel alone, and when they spot a target, they pounce, and slash you to shreds with claws made of credit cards. when you are dead, it will take your credict card and max it out buying fabrige eggs and oldies wigs. to stop an attack by an extorted dead, offer it a gisft, such as a small animal like a hamster. it will then, in an extordinary transformation, grow wings and devour the gift. congratulations. you just created a flying extorted dead, which is all the more dangerous. on the plus side, it will leave you alone and devor someone else. i have not yet determined a way to kill one, but as soon as i do, i will run through the streets in with cupcakes, shouting "EURIKA!!! i just saved $200,367 on my car insurance!!!"

this report was originaly posted here on gaia on this journal page, so the only credit you can give is to me, and to the movie Donnie Darko, which if you have not seen, should run to your parents and beg them to buy it for you.