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Well, I enjoyed most of my weekend. I wasn't able to talk to Circe long because she was busy for the weekend. I just sit here and think listening to songs like "Nobodies" Or "How to save a life" It really fits my mood during these apathetic days. I just lay at the ceiling as if somthing intersting was going to happen. I've been so tired latly that Today at school, I was actually attacked by a demon in public view. I didnt even see it come at me until i felt its energy, looked up andside stepped it. When it hit the ground it disapeared and everyone was looking at me as if I was going crazy. Can't they see them? Feel them? Am I the only one there that saw it? I think im halusinating after many stressful situations one after another.
I don't really care anyways.. They could kill me and it even wouldnt matter because I ll be laughing when im torturing them in hell along with that b*****d satan. Many times I've thougth to myself, If i can't beat him, why not join him? I mean what have i got to be on the light for? A god that blesses me than takes it away? I have faith, yes, but not dedicance. If i were to join Satan's side and become evil, would i gain the powers of the demons? Would i aquire enough strength to control the demons themselves? My thougths are slowly withdrawing from my friends. Ive begun lying to my friends about my emotions again. I was angry and sad today, plus a little paranoid and Rachel aprached me, placed her hand on my back and asked me what was wrong. i told her I was fine... Im not fine.. Ive got demons hunting my every step, I have to deal with the constant pain of not talking to Shanna, and I have to deal with the protection of Circe. Plus i have to study for school... I just want the world to stop... Time to stop.. that way i can spend all the that time thinking, Not aging, just stuck in time to wander a motionless world where i can think... forever... I love Shanna... I do.. by many standards who have neever had this happen to them before cant understand the kind of situation im in.. I want to be with shanna... yet.. god seems to be keeping me here.. I dont think its just becuase of Circe either, I could easily deal with nto having Circe in my life, But she is a very clsoe friend of mine and i cannot abandon her...
Whatever.. half of you ******** are probobly rolling their eyes at me thinking about how stupid i am... I don't really care. I just want to be at piece... I don't want to deal with the pressure of Shanna wanting me to be with her becuase until i graduate.. Her hopes cannot come true... there is no way. I a;so don't wan tto deal with the pressure that everyday im a counciller/close friend to Circe who everyday i have to hold her hand and tell her everyhting will be alright...
I'm just like Circe.. confused... stuck between two people that are pulling at me equally and causeing just as much pain... I want to rip my ******** heart out and stab it over and over becuase this pain in my chest will not numb...
*Stops for a second*
Screw it... i'm just going to secretlyclose upand no one will even konw when ill put that gaurd up because ill act normal. i HAVE ALSO KEPT MY CURRENT PROMISE Of not talking to anyone, but Circe (cant help it) mabye chris and steven, but thats it.. I have withdrawn from the light back into the dark, maybe once i stop feeling so much pain, I can come back out..
 terinore · Tue Dec 12, 2006 @ 01:44am · 2 Comments |
