You know what I hate?
Authority that abuses its power.
This might just be because my teenage hormones are raging, and I'm a little deviant.
Or these feelings could be the result of over-exposure.
The male I refer to as my father is the perfect example of over-exposure to authority-abusing in the home.
I assume he finds amusement in making me suffer.
Making me break promises.
Making me lie so that I can indulge for a few minutes in the greatest stress reliever I know: the internet.
I cannot say for sure what he thinks, and what he feels.
But inside, I am sure that he thinks harsh discipline is in my best interest.
Naturally, and generally, I am a very laid-back person.
I let the world run by while I walk.
My top 3 priorities in life have to be:
Making my family happy.
Making my friends happy.
And making me happy.
(In that order.)
The way he treats me sometimes makes me feel like I'm a burden.
Like all I am is a monkey on his back.
And I ruin things.
And I don't do things right.
And I'm a bad child.
And I feel like he regrets ever doing what he did with my mom.
And going through this, all I can do is agree.
I'm a burden.
All I do is cause trouble.
Eat all the food.
Sleep.
Waste electricity.
Don't do my share.
Never give thanks.
I'm crying now.
Because I know this is true.
I know I'm a bad kid.
They praise me, but I know what they're thinking.
They think the same things I do.
They all think I'm horrible.
They think I'll never amount to anything if I follow the path I'm taking.
They think I'm a waste of talent.
I'm just wasting space.
I'm in the way.
I'm holding up the line.
I'm blocking someone else's chances at greatness.
I'm selfish, as well.
And demanding.
And controlling.
And manipulative.
I'm a liar.
A cheat.
I procrastinate.
I can't get things done.
I start and never finish.
It's a vicious, deceitful cycle.
And while everyone else runs around in circles, chasing their tails, I'm in the sidelines, pointing and laughing and waiting for them to finally figure it out.
My parental figures try and show me whatfor with their rules and discipline.
They think they know what I want and what I need.
It's like ******** Christmas every day.
But you can't return what you get here.
There's no going back and changing it.
No exchanging it.
All I can think about doing is somehow ending it all.
I want to.
I want to get out of everyone's hair.
And what better way to?
I can't run anywhere.
How would I get there?
I can't drive yet.
Buses only take you so far.
And people can't be trusted.
I've never thought myself to be suicidal, because I found no point in it.
Why die when life is so great?
Hah.
I was an idiot.
Life is a b***h.
A big, big fat one.
Life is the burden.
Life.
And our pasts.
No matter where we run, life and our pasts will always follow.
There's no escaping them.
There's no hiding them.
No disguising them.
Face it.
Somewhere inside me, that little super religious pansy is tapping me on the shoulder.
Telling me this is all a test.
If I survive this, then I can take anything.
If I survive this, then I'll be stronger.
If I survive this, then I'll be better.
IF I survive this...
If.
Pretty big word for only being 2 letters long.
I hope this never happens again, because it will be the end of me.
I swear.
I can't take being this emotional during all of this because it's killing me.
It really is.
I can't stand having to be put through this for being me.
It's not fair to anyone.
I just...
I don't know what to do.
I want to be invisible.
I want to disappear.
So no one will have to worry about me.
Ever again.
Phery Community Member 
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Community Member
I understand that I'm not the best person to talk to, but I'll be right here. My shoulder is always free and available. Lean on it whenever you want to <3 I won't move, I won't budge, I'll be supporting you as much as I can.
Ilu<33333333
-Luff
Kathy 'Kaffine'