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i hate myself, why wouldn't everybody else hate me? they should. i hate the way i think. i hate the way i feel. i hate my stupidity. i hate my weaknesses. i hate how i fear my father. i hate how everybody hates me. i hate the fact that no matter how hard i try, it will never be better. i hate the way i love alan. i hate myself for loving alan. i dont want to be with alan anymore. ill just end up hurting him again. i would kill myself if i ever hurt alan again. no doubt enters my mind that i would end everything with a single bullet or bottle of pills if i ever hurt alan again. i wouldnt even hesitate. i hate the way i still love him though. i hate the way ill do anything for him. ill let him cry on my shoulder for hours at a time over the girl he really does love. makes me feel like s**t. ive even contemplated suicide at those moments. but i will always be there for him whenever he needs me, or a shoulder to cry on. i hate the way ill let him do that to me but he is never there when i need him the most. like right now. he couldnt even talk on the phone with me for more than 5 minutes without getting off and calling other friends about coming over. ill do anything for him. all i ask is for someone to be there in return. when i need him the most. my chest feels like someone just shoved their fist in and started tearing up the inside. s**t, here comes the damn tears again.