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I think I just lost one of the most precious things that I have ever had in my life... here he is, making an almost life or death situation and while I want him at my side, I repel him too.
I am so ******** stupid.
I want to cry my eyes out.
I want to rip what's left of my heart out and give it to him.
But the last thing I ever want to happen is to hurt my love.
I don't care if I'm hurt.
I've always been hurt before him and I've dealt with a lot of pain.
To lose this one is too much...it wouldn't be pain.
It would be overkill.
The emotions would be too much to bear if I were to lose him.
Why do I repel him?
Because I feel undeserving, and all I've ever done is hurt him when he has tried to help me.
Even he knows this is true.
I hate doing this to him...I really do...it may not seem true when it happens, but I know it is true...I hate hurting him.
I LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL!!!
He who is my true love I am trying to repel...

I'm such an ungrateful b***h.
So ungrateful.
So unloving.
That in turn makes me undeserving...yet I want to be deserving.
I don't want to be a raving b***h that bitches out her friends and family all the time.
I want peace.
I want all of you.
And I especially want my love to be at my side for the rest of my life.
The rest of my life...
I just hope I haven't scared him away...for if I have, there won't be a lot of talk from me.
I'll be as silent as the graveyard shift.
I'll become a shadow and drift into nothing...for even music cannot console me here.
It all rests in my love's hands...whatever happens.

I must put my memories behind me.
I must look to the future, even if it is without him...but that's what scares me.

Now...I've blown it all.

I beg your forgiveness...even though you won't give it to me.
I'm sorry...

I love you...with all of my heart...with everything I have inside of me...I love you.
You are my light out of the darkness called Hell...my hell that I hope you never experience.
You have been at my side all this time, never turning from me for a second.

Have I chased you away for good...

If so, I wish you luck.
If not...thank you for staying...

I love you...

~Rusty