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I've figured out I like to write out what is wrong rather than talk about it because I'm not really good at saying things I wish to say. Last night was possibly the worse night I've ever had of my life. Yesterday a friend of mine and I were going to go to Odessa but we couldn't because her Dad was going to take her today..... well that kind of didn't help me out any. We both got Gift cards for Walden Books from my friend for Christmas. Well we were going to go and buy us some manga since the only Walden Books around is in Odessa. She told me I could give her my gift card and she'd go buy the manga for me. I didn't know what manga I wanted and I couldn't remember the damn titles or what they were about. She volunteered to get me some random ones and I told her no since I didn't really want to do it that way. Then after all that we didn't even get to hang out but I don't blame her for it. Well I told my sister Gini that I would let her on the computer whenever my friend and I were going to go hang out, it didn't happen and she bitched at me because of it. My cousin has Gravitation disc 1-3 and I wanted to borrow 2-3 because I was going to go stop by Adriana's house to get the disc 1. She went into the living room and asked the adults if she should let me borrow them or not when she told me earlier on in the day that I could. Well they told her it was her DVDs and it was her decision. She walked back into the room, grabbed her stuff, and didn't say a damn thing to me. She walked out with the DVDs and it really crushed me because I felt like she couldn't just tell me no. I'd understand and everything it's just that her not telling me hurt even worse.
Well that was just the highlight for last night. Everything else has been happening over a long period of time. I've been trying to save up money for A-Kon and I feel really bad because I have to mooch off of my family for money. I can't stand it because then I feel like I owe them back and it'll never get paid back. School has beend really dragging me down because I'm trying really really hard to get my grades up and still there are so much more that I need to get done, such as SAT's and crap and I've also got to get my 40 hours done for my Abell Hanger hours. That's goign to be alot of fun. I don't have a job so that helps even more with the problem. My friends and I go out to eat and I feel bad because they have to pay for me since I never ever have any money with me. I'm old enough by law to move out of my house and my mind has been slipping towards doing so but in the end I couldn't go through with it. I wouldn't have anywhere to go anyways. Adriana has told me that I could go live with her but I don't want to be a burden. I take my meds like I'm suppose to but still.... the dogs and the cats get to me, the smoke at both my house and my grandmother's house chokes me. I can't sleep well because I'm either coughing, sneezing, or my eyes itch really really bad. I'm just basically... don't know... sick. I've tried various things like shut the door to my room and crap but the dogs end up getting in there anyways. Friday a good friend of mine was going to tell his Dad that he was Gay, since he is, and well I felt bad because I couldn't help him. His Dad may have kicked him out and I wanted to help him and stuff but I couldn't. I feel like crap and those stupid Zoloft pills don't help much when I'm like this. Even if they are anti-depressants they can only help so much. Well yeah.... basically thats it I think. I don't know maybe I'm being selfish and crap but this is what I feel, and this is what I've been keeping inside of me for this whole time. It's bugging me to freakin' hell and I can't really do anything about it.