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Yes, um, I dunno, I've been feeling kind of bad recently. Like starting today. Maybe I just have to lay off of the coffee. That's what I've noticed, coffee tends to put me in a sour mood. Or maybe it's just PMS . . . I don't know. I just started getting depressed today after church. Like maybe I'm not truly following my heart. I miss having a relationship with God, and I HATE that it's taken a back seat to my life. God should come first, right?

That and I finally realized that I'm one of the most selfish people I know. I really only try to make others happy because it makes me happy. rolleyes Yus, I know that I'm using the Yuki-ism from Fruits Basket, but I really think it's true about me. That and I'm always competing with friends for things that seems sooooo silly. Like, I always have to be the best and the brightest because if not, then why the hell am I here? *sigh* Sometimes I feel as though people just keep me around to make themselves feel better. Mostly Katey and especially Katey. It's not that she's ever really a b***h about it, except when she's PMS-ing (but then, who isn't around tha time? wink ) but some days I just feel like such a screw up. Like I can't do anything right.

*wipes tear away* And the fact that I'm ranting in this journal instead of praying doesn't help at all either. See? This is how material I've gotten. God, I just wish that I could go back and redo practically everything that I've ever done. I feel like I should have a huge sign attached to me that says, "I FAIL AT LIFE" in huge print. Maybe I'll get a shirt like that. *laughs feebly* I dunno, people would probably either take it too seriously or just point and laugh.

Maybe I pushed myself too hard into becoming an extrovert, and now I'm paying the price. I love being a "people person" but some days . . . some days I just want to be around those that I love and have nobody else to bother us. Some days I wish things could go back to the way they were, when Katey wasn't engaged. Not that we weren't fighting then, but whatever. At least I could have her all to myself for a while. Or maybe I'm not getting enough people contact, and my extroverted self is suffering for it.

I just wish I could get a thousand hugs a day. I need them, I want them, I kind of have to have hugs to function. I haven't had a real one in a looooonnnnnggg time. And as much as I keep telling myself how much I want a boyfriend, I truly don't need one. But it doesn't stop the ache from being there. Am I wanting a relationship so bad that I see possible ones all the time? Yeah, probably. Jeeze, sometimes I wish that life wasn't nearly so complicated! But if it weren't, it probably wouldn't be so much fun, right?

Yeah, okay. </end rant>

I think I will have to use this journal for story/poem postings from now on. Just so that Gaians have a chance to read my work. Even though it's totally Emo trash from high school. wink