It took me a while to think things through clearly. Thinking about what's happened between me and the one I love, and how close it seemed to be shattering before me. How sad it was to have to sit there and try my best only to find out it just wasn't good enough. To have to listen to myself, and listen to him cry every time I wanted to talk it out. At first I thought, maybe I should give up. Perhaps we just didn't deserve each other. And that there was nothing I could do to have us the way we once were.
But I remember so many things. I remember him standing out in the rain alone. I remember chasing him and trying to drag him in. I remember when he pulled me toward him, wrapped his arms around me and said "I won't let anything happen to you. And I won't let you go." I remember the countless times I secretly wrote blogs about how much I cared for him, and the great things he had done each day to make me happy. I wrote about the cute little stories he told me, and the silly little names I would call him. I wrote about us calling each other gay from across the room. *laughs to herself* And everyone saying we should ask each other out and get it over with.
I remember planning out the deal to get him to take me to the band banquet over a year ago. hahaha, I remember how well it worked. And upon finding out his girlfriend left him for it, I remember him saying "I'd do anything for you." heehee. I remember him calling me to come out to the lobby with him, because he wanted to make me dance, and somehow we ended up holding hands back to the banquet. Wow, I'll never forget that feeling walking in like everything was right, all the way it was suppose to be. And how we held hands the rest of the night. And him crying in the car begging me not to go. And then, three days later. Graduation. I finally found the courage I needed. I remember thinking "Now or never" and I told him how I felt. And I smiled so big to find out he felt the same way! And at our first date, we cuddled together. And he told me how he wrote this little diary and I was in it every day. Yes, I cried at our first date. But I didn't care.
How funny it was that our one year anniversary date was spent at a Wal-Mart at midnight.
Lately me and him have had a rough spot. We haven't been getting along, we haven't been solving our problems like we have before. And I had started to lose my trust in him, and he knew it. I found myself crying every day trying to find the answers. Asking those closest to me what I should do. I remember asking advice of people I didn't even know, searching for one person who wouldn't tell me what I feared most to hear. And when I found that person, it was one in a million. And it discouraged me. I felt like everything was getting worse. Like I was getting worse. I was becoming someone that years ago I laughed in the face of. I became so insecure, I assumed so many things. And I ended up hurting him countless times, and feeling like he deserved it.
But now I've had the time to think it out. I've lost hours of sleep trying to find in my heart and my mind what the real trouble is. And I've found it. It's me. And I know it now. I've become someone with no humor, I've become too sensitive to my feelings, and in the process I caused myself to think of nobody else's feelings. I've turned myself into a greedy, inconsiderate, spoiled brat.
So I apologize. Because I always took my insecurities out on him.
My love, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I couldn't have been there to hold you when I made you cry. I wish I wasn't the person to make you do it. I'm sorry about all the times I looked at a little thing and exploded it into something it wasn't. I'm sorry that I let my insecurities get the best of me. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you when I should have. I'm sorry that I couldn't learn when to stop. You truly don't deserve what I've done to you. You don't need a girl who treats you the way I have been.
I've been thanking god for every day, and every moment I have gotten to stay with you.
So I promise to change, and be who I was 4 months ago. I promise to do whatever it takes to keep us together. Because what we have is better and stronger than life itself. I give my love and my life to you, forever. From the bottom of my heart and the deepest parts of my soul, I love you and nothing will ever change that.
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When all you want is a little insanity to make you feel sane.
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Kimada
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