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I think that in some way I fail in social interaction. It seems very hard sometimes to try to understand the world and all its myriad ways. To understand its ins and outs and to react accordingly. Sometimes I think things to far out sometimes I plan to much and everything seems to crash about my feet.

I fail at relationships and I fail at love...

And curently I feel hurt because I just wish... there was something I could do.

I can't control others emotions or I won't. I won't lead them on and pretend I'm something I'm not I won't seem any different then what I am and that inevitably makes me fail for one reason or another I FAIL.

I either don't care for them... or I make my uncertainty known... and no one is willing to deal with that uncertainty of emotion. The truth is I DON'T KNOW and I Can't. I won't till I do and there is nothing I can do about it. I can't control my emotions and while I know I love and I feel I don't want others to think I'm more or less then I am.

When I care I try to let it be known to the best of my ability to the extent that I am sure of...
I'm reticent much of the time. I try not to be because I do feel desire not to be but I can't seem to let my desires show. There is always that doubt that insecurity. Mostly concerning the other person and trying to make sure I love them or I care for them rather then some picture of them I made in my mind. I don't want to fall in love with someone and then find out I never truely loved Them.

I want to be SURE... sure that I'm right this time sure that this is love. And everything feels so rushed with some people.
And with others everything comes soo effortlessly.

I care very easily without reserve just not in the way you may expect... and my actions reflect only that of me which is stable which is sure. Which means that almost everything else is kept in check inside and when dealing with others this leads to problems.

Oh and such confusion... because everyones different. It is hard to tell what someone feels or how someone is and you have to wade through so much information to know.
And everynow and again I forget how they are and I forget everything and I am completely lost and just confused.

Like currently... I don't know how I feel. And I just feel alone...
Those that I love are gone they aren't here. Those that I know... I don't think they love me or even care for me though I care for them. I feel that there interest is a seeming. That it is there because they lack anything else to fill that void.

That they see nothing of me or who I am but just are trying to use me to fill there desires. They desire company and I am company. They desire companionship I am that to. I am that necassary human resource which is needed in most activities and that is all. I am something living and breathing that responds and is not disagreable or unpleasent. That when the day is over and I am home alone there is no one truely there if I needed them. No one I could call at three in the morning freaking out asking for help and actually get a responce. I wouldn't have someone there to comfort me if I was hurt. I could sit there crying and I would get a hug but in there heart they would feel the burden of my presence and reject the true comfort that is needed.

So I feel unloved in one of the truest respects... because my needs and wants and thoughts and feelings aren't given a true value and no one takes the time to accomodate... that those who say they care aren't here and when it comes time that I need them no one is there and I am alone with my thoughts and fears and that cuts even deeper then if nothing was ever there in the first place.