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...There is a huge explosive collision in my brain, and when it's done i am left with neutrality except with the slightest bit left over so that my frustration prevails.


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I want to blog, yes very much i want to blog. Yet i don't want people to see what i blog. To blog on LJ and do a private post? I could yes, but i also want feedback on what i write. Contradictory are these two thoughts? Yes ma'am. I need to write bluntly about everything that scares me right now, all my thoughts and oppinions. Then i need to write down point blank how happy i can be at the peak of all this, why i'm happy all the details on the good things that have happened to me and i mean exactly what happens. I need to do both of these things, but i know all who reads this and that my deardear friends who i love so much, is exactly what stops me from writing everything, from what happened to my perception of what happened to how i feel about it. I need to stop needing things so much. I need to fix things wrong in my life without fearing the repucussions. I need to stop procrastinating. I need to do something independant, even if all i want to do is piss my parents off, because i am a ******** doormat. I need you guys, even though when i'm with you it pushes all the bad things to the back of my mind and i have difficulty talking about them. I need hugs. I need cookie dough. I need Scott. I need kisses, lots of them. I need to help Rach. I need to be able to remember all the things I need when I can get them, because daytime will come and I'll forget about all these needs.I need to communicate better with Dot. I need to talk with Effi like we did at Waupoos. I need everything and yet i almost feel that it would be good to take away everything i have to see what i would do without it.

i am not strong.