I'm supposed to write a speech introducing myself to my family, explaining my goals, as well as 3 people who I felt I had communication issues with growing up.
My educational goals began with working with students with disabilities.
I had initially applied as a Teacher's Aide for a preschool, however, they had told me that position was filled and instead I'd be brought on as an aide in another class. I wasn't aware that this school had other grades, but here I was, in orientation a couple days before school began. I remember trying to offer whatever I could to help prep for the first day but the staff I had been working with were vetted there. Been with the school for 5+ years. They knew what they needed to do. So I sat aside and observed.
I hadn't had previous experience working with students with disabilities, what I wish someone had briefed me on was how challenging it would be. Especially in a school that is understaffed, under-resourced, and simply hired whoever they thought would be a good fit. It was bad from the beginning really.
HOWEVER
I took that with a grain of salt, and attempted to pursue my career there. I had gone out of my way to become a Registered Behavior Technician, which was not required, but would assure me a raise. Working here is what motivated me to return to school, I wanted to get an Associates in Psychology because I felt it would support me further in my position. My career there was short unfortunately, the foundation began to crumble, I was burnt out, my coworkers were burnt out, a student that wasn't mine had grabbed my arm unwarranted, and my boss told me that it wasn't with aggressive intent.
I left the school, but I'm continuing with Psychology because the inner mechanisms of people does fascinate me. I want to eventually attempt to have an informal therapy service. Similar to Lucy's psychiatric booth. Affordable, accessible. I want to be a space for people to share their troubles and not feel terribly judged. I feel so many therapy services are robotic, insensitive, tone deaf, uniform. Many others who seek therapy feel that therapists are simply there to be paid and not listen to what's going on. Personally, I've always had people trauma dump on me and I'd rather be prepared than just give some sort of "this too shall pass" half-assed response. Life ******** sucks hard a majority of the time and forcing yourself through it to get to a better point dismisses your feelings when it does get bad. I want to avoid that suppression.
My Grama was one of my best friends, like a second mom to me. Anything I couldn't talk to mom about, I took to her. She was typically neutral but would understand my perspective and often played devil's advocate to give me the opposite perspective. It was really nice to be able to talk about such things with her, it made me feel validated with my thoughts. Even if it was something she herself didn't understand, she would be open enough to hear me out.
Often times she'd share her stories. They were wild, every now and then inappropriate, but they stuck with me. Like time she got into a bar fight with Janis Joplin, and that's why her ear got ripped. It wasn't until my Grama passed did I begin fact-checking her stories. Some were accurate, other were greatly exaggerated, like the Janis fight. When my Grama was 14 Janis hadn't even been born. Growing up I knew to filter her stories, she was a dramatic person, but her morals were pretty set within them. She let me know there are great evils in the world, told me to be better than that and help people when I can. She also though there were dinosaurs on 101 once too. Regardless of her tales, she was there for me. It was nice having that open-mind to talk to.
My Mom and I had always been close, enough. We talked about obligatory things I felt. How was your day? Fine, you? It wasn't until I was a bit older did our conversations gain depth. Many people made comments that she was more of a friend than a Mom. She had me young, she was still in the process of growing up herself and experiencing her life. She also worked full-time too. I really feel like for most of my childhood she wasn't there because of how busy she was trying to maintain everything for us. She didn't neglect me, I was just often alone in my own world. I've always felt on the fence about our relationship, I could never get too close to her. She has her own personal wall, closed off feelings, whatever it may be labelled as. But I've always just been her daughter to her, she reasons with me to an extent. If there's a disagreement that's the end of the conversation, there's hardly any accountability for her behaviors nor actions. It's really frustrating, when moments like that happen because it's spontaneous. We can be fine one moment, the something it misconstrued or miscommunicated and it gets blown out of proportion and doesn't blow over until time passes and then we talk to each other about the weather or something and that situation just goes away and never happened. When I think of what it's like to be stonewalled, I think of her. Her ability to shut people off, including me, is something that bothers me. I have learned to understand that tactic in situations where there is relentless toxicity, but not during petty disagreements that should be discussed.
With all that information unpacked, it still gets hard to process it.
My biological Dad has never spoken with me, I am 28 years old and he has never sent anything. His side of the family has though. My Uncle reached out to me at the age of 13, it was weird. I wasn't sure why it happened suddenly, I wasn't sure what to say or if I should say anything at all. However, he maintained contact with me via Facebook, every now and again we would meet for lunch but it wasn't often. Around 16 I found my Dad on social media, first on Facebook and then on Instagram. He had also been slapping his personal stickers around Redwood City as well, even though he had been residing in Napa, he still frequented Redwood City every once in awhile. I had found out that he had a tattoo of the word "Family" across his neck & for the first time in my life I had a reason to not like him. Prior to that instance, it had never bothered me to not have a Dad. My Mom, Grama, and I had managed just fine. I understood early on that my life could've been different had he stayed, so another grain of salt I didn't dwell on. Until I came across that post, I sent him a pretty irritated message, I don't think it was anything too nasty, as a response he blocked me on everything. When I turned 18 was when my Grandfather reached out to mee, he was ashamed for not having reached out sooner, he just wasn't sure how. He's been in touch with me ever since, keeps me updated on family affairs, how my Dad hadn't been doing well mentally, then made a turn around. He knew how I felt about my Dad, he mostly told me these things as a personal heads up to my family history. One of my favorite memories with that family was when I was visiting my Grandfather, my Dad had shown up to the house, however, since it was a two-story house, and we were having dinner on the second story, he simply showed up and then left. Didn't make an appearance or anything. Not having a connection with my Dad, but having one with the rest of my family. Is really weird some times, it helps fill in certain blanks in my life, like where my appetite comes from and personality, but it doesn't answer the divide between my Dad and I. It doesn't explain why he's never wanted anything to do with me, why he was able to have two other daughters but never acknowledge his first. It doesn't explain much, but I try hard not to dwell on it, my life has been pretty well without him.
With all the curveballs I've been thrown since birth, I've done my best to really go with the flow of everything because I understand life is unpredictable. Is it easy? What the hell, why would you think that? I've grieved over my position here, where I've felt like an outcast because of my Grama's genetics, I've felt disconnected due to the lack of a connection with my Mom, I've felt indifferent about my Dad not wanting to be apart of my life when I should probably feel other ways I just really don't care for the lack of his presence. Having the rest of his family make an attempt has been nice, but it doesn't make up for his absence. Figuring myself out has been an odd journey really, I often ask how I ended up the way I did when dealing with the adults that raised me. Processing this is hard, remembering my treatment as a kid and the treatment I receive now. It's just weird.
My Grama has passed away now, I believe it's been almost 5 years now.
My Mom up and moved out with her boyfriend, then had a mental breakdown because she misses the kids & I.
My Dad still has never talked to me.
I don't know why I am the way I am, but these experiences have shaped me and continue to shape me as I progress in life and look back on these instances.
Thanks for coming to my TedTalk gaiary
scumscraper Community Member 
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