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I have my two elderly parents but honestly I really have no one else at least here who are direct family members. Most of what few family members I have left live a state away an they are my Father's relatives...they are all a bunch of lying backstabbing hypocrites towards one another an as well seem exactly like my Father.
They want an take to satisfy themselves an their own selfishness especially it seemed even towards each other. Like they could say "I have this....now your going do what I say an want just to have access to it" or say "I have this now youll never see it" Gatekeeping? Is that what they call it nowadays?
I refuse to have anything to do with them unless Im forced to.
I just barely manage to talk or want to be around my Father for similar an yet a few different reasons***
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***My Father I have reasons to not be particularly close to either though Im trying to not hate him.
) I was ignored an all but told be quite an do my own thing by my Father my whole life with only a few exceptions as far as things of which I can never be sure if he was being truthfully emotional or faking because he was around my Mother an in public as well.
) He, My Father went out of his way two F---ing times in his life to try to do anything with me an both times I was already in my 20's at the time in my life. He couldnt be bothered before then to try to spend time with me or hardly even wanna encourage me in ANYTHING. He worked came home an did whatever but nothing with me other than basics, provide food an needs - clothing.
) He, My Father is a lair an has always been so. He lied an still lies constantly to my Mother now. Even knowing or not realizing we know he lies about anything. He did so even when he married my Mother an dating before then he lied.
) He lies to get what he wants, uses what he has to get others to do what he wants or to get things. Then acts like he forgot he did this or that to get things. He tries to act like a kind an awesome person on the outside to mask hes a lying, user of people an a F---ing flirting a*****e.
) Oh, hes a flirt to. He is married but flirts with any woman near or around him. He has almost caused a legal dispute twice in my life over talking to another mans married wife. Still my Mother married him, still she has not let him go...
) He cant be trusted with $ either as he is so wasteful in his spending, so he barely spends any money till he has none.
) I remember positive reinforcement from him "Good Job", "You Did Great"... Hardly any in my life except from my Mother, he mostly only saids it when she did almost like he had no idea how to say it naturally to me on his own.
) I always felt like I was wrong an couldnt do things right an he seemed not to care to say or do anything as far as guidance to help.
He is the reason I have a lot of emotional an depressive issues I feel like in my life. I never want children because I never want to be a Father because of him...not that I can have kids due to my own health issues to begin with.
I dont want to see it anymore. Alone eventually aging an seeing everything fall apart including myself. Having literally no one here Friend wise as they all moved away forgot I exist an stopped talking to me after a short time. What few remember me are such ffff successful little prissy assholes who acted like they were the high society classmates in Highschool an consider me a "safety" type of Friend who is a good contact but not friendly enough to want to be friends in Highschool back then.
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....Im sorry right now my mind is telling me something I know not to do.
It wants me to "Let It All Burn" be separated from everything an just let it all rot away an be gone.
Be alone now an it will hurt less later. Though pain is everywhere so why bother? I go through every day in some form of emotional or physical pain or both. I rest an sleep but thats only long enough to make me wanna sleep forever an not feel.
I fall into nihilism, nothing matters nothing feels like anything for moments so days till my mind pulls me back to reality an it reminds me of everything again.
