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Anyone who knows david... please mention nothing of this.... though i'm sure he knows.


David went home for the weekend... came back with a totally different point of view. He may be losing his job.... so His parents said he could stay at their home on the sound....... just that I cant go with him. We were also wanting to go to japan to be missionaries... which would mean getting married sooner. God i hope he has so many nightmares tonight..... i cant sleep anyway. I hope he doesnt get any either. His parents say they want me to be with him... but every back up plan they can come up with leaves me out. I'm just not in their picture of the future. I know what they want to do. They want to get him home... and get him into a girl there.... someone who hasnt "corrupted" him. I've had this happen too many times before... i know the signs. So if he cant find another good job here.... and I cant find one either... we're through. We cant be together anymore because he'll have to move away and I'll have to go home. Seems like that'd make you wanna get married so they cant tell you that right? wrong. He wants to wait a couple years now. Why? I mean... if you love a person enough to let them move in with you and you already do everything a married couple does... why not just marry them already? I wash his clothes, I clean house.... I lay next to him at night.... I comfort him when he's sad... support him in his decisions without faltering. We love eachother... so why not just take the plunge. Why "test the waters" when they've already been tested? does anyone really think we'll get any closer in two years? NO that's just someone's chance to rip us apart. In two years we may grow distant from eachother if we continue dating. So tell me... is this the beginning of the end? Is it all just circling the drain? Why is my love life so messed up and why does this always end up hapenning. James, you know me.. you loved me... what is it that I do that makes you guys want to hurt me... leave me behind... what did I do? What am I doing wrong? I've loved unconditionally. I deserve at least something in return other than heartache. I feel like my heart has been torn out.... I feel like I'm dieing... Like I cant face another day if he's not going to be there to face it with me. I wanted to go to college... learn more... so maybe i'd actually have a chance at this... life... thing. But that's all just a dream... I might have qualified for a loan... if dad hadnt have screwed up my credit. Guess everything's just been a dream... Japan, college, a house, marriage, sales, life itself. I'll never have any of it... I'll end up like my mom and my dad... old, fat, and alone. No one truly loving me and everyone just feeling pity because I cant make myself a better person... Because I just wasnt lucky enough. Just let it never be said that I didnt try. I've put more effort into my relationships, and life than I could afford... it's taken it's toll. If this ends... i cant try again... I cant face this again... They'll probably put me into some kind of isntitution because i'm clinically depressed and they're afraid that i'll kill myself... It's not like I haven thought of it.. Was taking some advil for my headache.... almost downed the whole bottle... but i'm too chicken. I'm too afraid to die... I'm too afraid of everything... but most of all i'm afraid of being alone. I feel like i'm losing it tho... like every day it gets a little worse.... Everytime i lose something here... something in me dies. Something in me is starting to give up and I'm not fighting it. I'm too tired to fight now. No... i'm not going to kill myself... like i said... i'm too scared to die. I feel like I deserve it though. I feel like i've done nothing but make things harder for david since I got here. I should've went back home. If I'd gone home... I would've never gotten this attatched. I cant go home now... because i'd feel like i'm losing a part of myself. it's not like there's much to go home to. Just my little room... and day to day of being berated for not being good enough, and hearing my mom complain about how nothing ever goes right for her. Bull... she has it better than she knows. She doesnt have to work... she doesnt have to worry about the man she loves leaving her... no... that already happenned to her. She had me... and he just up and left. All my fault... and dont think she doesnt blame me. of couse she does. It was my fault after all. She wasnt supposed to have me anyways, I was a big mistake. One that cost her her relationship. Yeah... bet you guys never knew that... Not that it matters huh? I'm just telling you guys all of this and you probably never even read this far. Not that anyone wants to know how I feel. Half of you never talk to me anyway. I'm just an old memory from when we were kids... or someone you dated and wished you could forget. A mistake... always a mistake. Well... yaknow what? If I go home and all of this ends... you'll never hear from me again anyway..... I'll just disappear into my own world... away from everything that's hurt me.... I'll forget it all... and never try again. It's not worth the pain. None of this is worth the pain.