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Feeling Lost
Sometimes one decision can change one's whole life, but not everyone can figure out the consequences. If I had known what would have come from many of my choices the past few years I am not sure I would have done things the same, but then again our choices will always give us regrets no matter what we do, that is the way of life. I wish that I didn't come back to work during the summer then I wouldn't have met Roni, I wish I never let her go down to Vancouver first, then she wouldn't have fallen for my best friend, but then again there are still good things that came from some of the choices. Many of my best memories are of being with Roni, and that hurts me more right now. Right now from the choice I made yesterday, to exclude both Roni and Jaxon from my life I am hurting badly over it. It feels like I'm all alone lost in a sea of despair and hopelessness and no one is there to pull me out of it. I'm even afraid to sleep now because the last two nights I have had dreams of being back together with her and that we were happy together. I wish I could just forget about her and stop caring as easily as she stopped caring about me but I can't. I honestly did love her and wanted to be with her forever, these feelings I wish they would just go away so I can move on, but they haunt me and won't leave me in peace. I hate that I fell in love with the wrong person, it's hell and I've had my heart ripped out so many times I don't know if I could take it happening again. I know that eventually it will seem like the right decision and things will be better in my life, but right now it just hurts like hell. It's like the whole world is against me and I'm the one that did the wrong thing even though I don't know what I did wrong. Oneday maybe I'll find the path that's for me in life, since it is ever changing and it can't be bad forever. One line from a movie that's helping me is "It's most important to find a world that belongs to us. Life is meaningful only when we can find this world." It gives me hope that oneday I will find a world that belongs to me, one that makes me happy and fulfiilled. I am not sure when it will happen, but until then I guess I just have to tough out the rough times. It's hard not to be the badguy when everyone thinks you are already, it owuld be so easy to solve everything with violence and threats, but I don't think that is me anymore. I feel bad about that email I sent to Jaxon, but it did help me vent a little and I honestly do not want him as my friend anymore. I want my life to begin over again and maybe I will find something to make me happy again. -Jamie
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