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Something's just about to break...
I will try to find my place,
It's not all sunshine and smiles in the land of the dead. As such, i never expected it to be. I'm asking deep questions and getting shallow responses, and I'm not sure what I expected from all this.
I hate this, you know. All these self-searching, life-deciding questions. They're always so full of crap, really. They just make me think about things I'd rather not think about. We all have to deal with personal issues, and we all have to pursue our own interests. It's just the constant nature of this that drags me down. I can't just sit and mildly imbibe alcohol until my confused, rambling brain just shuts the general ******** up and leaves me for brighter parts. I can't sit in a corner and masturbate in opiate induced blissfull ignorance. Because that's self destruction, a slow suicide by papercuts.
Another in a long chain of bad personal choices? Maybe. I don't even know at this point. I should give it time before I write down all my questions and problems and try and see what can be done with them. Or maybe I should just be content with what's already here? Another reason to take my time. Run things slow and smooth and let it flow. It's all this indecisive, half-formed bullshit in my brain that's driving me batty, you know. I've got a long list of wants and needs, and i'm discarding them as trivial and useless because I don't want to put myself first. It always makes me feel queasy and generally like a shithead for doing so, and I avoid it when at all possible.
I need support and stability of some kind. Without them, i don't function well.
I need a place to live, preferably with my chosen partner. ******** that dating s**t. You want me? You want my time and my affection and my body? Then live with me. You'll see all the s**t I do, and all the things I say, and then you'll know. Trial-periods are for people who are afraid to enjoy and love people for who they are. none of this phony "i put on a good display for you for the time we're together and then go back to being the *real* me later, when you're gone." it's all lies and bullshit until that's over, so what's the point?
******** it.. I'm making a list of things that bug me the most about my relationships.
Readers, feel free to add your own.
I want to feel like you want me. Like you want my body, my mind. Like I bring up an animal in you from the slightest glance or touch. I want to know that this attraction doesn't just fade away after a few months of ********. Like I'm not some toy you get bored of, then stick in the chest until it starts making noise and you have to play its batteries down and put it away again.
Eventually, we will reach a plateau. This is going to happen. We will learn to live with that. This does not mean things have to get boring, or trivial, or that we have to do the same thing all the goddamn time. Just ebcause there isn't anything "new" to think of doesn't mean that older things aren't still fun. Mix it up a bit.
I play games. A lot of games. I enjoy them. They are not more important than you, and I am not ingoring you when I play. If you want my time, then ask for it. Don't just try and take it, or whine about how I'm not paying attention. I give you the same considerations for your time, I think mine deserves the same level of respect.
At least try and learn about technology you don't understand. Don't just look at an obvious problem and ignore it fitfully until I offer to fix it. It also helps when you are at least somewhat grateful that I fixed it or set it up. Also, tell me when you break my stuff, don't try and fix it yourself, especially if you have no clue as to what you're doing.
If I'm frustrated with something and it isn't you.. don't get upset. Obviously I'm frustrated, I don't need you ******** bitching at me, too. And yes, i can tell when you get standoffish and curt because I'm frustrated. I'm angry, not blind, deaf and dumb.
I don't like being lost. It's not "fun" for me. I do not go on pointless drives for ages in the middle of ******** nowhere. If we're going somewhere, then let's know where the ******** we're going before we leave.
Make a decision, then buy something. Do not decide after you purchase. Even if you can just paint over something, that doesn't mean you should. If you spend three weeks planning, at least one of those things should not change three days after implementation.
If we discuss a problem, and you agree to change something.. Actually changing it is a nice thing to do. Saying that you'll try, and then never trying does not bode well for further issue resolution. It basically tells me that you'll say whatever you think I want to hear and never actually solve the problem.
While it's cool that you can be "one of the guys", I do not always find your belches and farts sexy. In fact, I pretty much never do. Just like I don't belch in your face and ask for head.
Sexy outfits and underwear can be worn more than once. Seeing them in the closet just doesn't have the same effect. Yes, you can be sexy in pajamas and jeans, but not all the time. Just like I can be sexy chopping wood, shirtlesss and covered in sweat, but I still take a shower.
On that note, "Oh, whatever you want to do." Is not a good invitation for fooling around. I will play Warcraft and allow you to entertain yourself.
I am about two concussions away from brain damage. So you will have to remind me of things, as my short term memory is shot to hell. I will remember what you said approximately three weeks from now when it's no longer important. It's best to remind me before then.
The phrase: "Maybe we should watch a movie tonight?" means that we may watch a movie tonight. Not that we have plans to be on the couch at 8:15:35 with pocorn and soda to watch "American Psycho" and then "back to the future". Do not ask me at 9:00 why I'm reading and not watching a movie with you when we never actually decided to watch a movie. In the event that you do want to watch a movie, then say so. I will not pick up on the hint of you walking away to play with the dog after suggesting the possibility, then discussing work, talking about the car, and ranting about an annoying coworker. My feeble man mind will not get this and will proceed to play pre-recorded porn when you leave.
When a coworker flirts with you, if you tell me, it's for my better mental health if you describe it as something you dislike. Otherwise, I will envision the two of you committing impossible sex acts when I'm not around. This is obviously a bad thing.
Anyways.. this is long enough for now, and I'm tired.
 Twistex · Sun Jul 23, 2006 @ 04:50pm · 5 Comments |
