& the word weighs on my tongue
like contraband
abuse is loosely defined as
"the improper treatment of things"
how can it be abuse?
I am afraid I deserve all of it
if I was stronger
if I was smarter
I could handle it
I tell myself
it's a test
& I am constantly failing
- - - - -
drugs
i am not abusing drugs
i am using them in the spirit they were intended
it's myself I am mistreating
but can you mistreat something worthless?
what do you do
when you have no health or beauty to preserve?
I don't know if I have anything in this life
worth holding on to.
I've carried a suicide plan in my back pocket
since elementary school
- - - - - - - - -
sin
I obsess over morality
the first time I cut
it was because I felt
sinful
i had slipped up
and nobody knew
so I needed to be punished
I've been told my whole life that
I'm evil
the only time I'm "good"
is when I do what I'm told
I'm terrified of making my own decisions
because I cannot be trusted
what's to stop me from descending into murder & debauchery?
I clearly have no moral compass
I have to weigh the philosophical implications
of every ******** decision I make
and it's so exhausting
the drugs liberate me
I embrace evil
if being wicked means
making mistakes
or challenging authority
or caring for my self
then I must be the devil
- - - - - - - - -
I know the way I think about myself
isn't healthy
I don't know what to do with my emotions.
I am ashamed of them.
I grew up believing that
Good people don't have feelings
Feelings lead to violence
Wanting leads to violence
It's best to just
Keep your head down &
wait for the moment to pass
I don't think I ever really unlearned that
- - - - - - -
I know there are skills for handling emotions
& sometimes I feel
stupid for not knowing them
I have to remind myself that
there's no deadline
there's no pass or fail
we can only try to do better
