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My name is Tom. I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls, wearing skin tight pants and a cape. Old ladies everywhere swoon over my evening line of corduroy shawls. I can balance a checkbook in one hand. I bounce, dodge, weave and pounce with the skill of a ten-year old. I am ticklish in nearly every body part. I make 30 Minute brownies in 20 minutes. I am a fiend for coffee. I once single-handedly defended an entire Amazon Basin village from a vicious horde of fire-ants with only my wits and a glass of water. I hurl shoes at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. When in the mood, I can devour $10 worth of Taco Bell like it was a single taco. I have been caller number 9 and won the free tickets. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I sleep only once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had siezed a small bakery. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.