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irl i kinda act the way i do in here... i really never show my true feelings cause then i wouldnt make people happy... there was a couple of days though i was really cold and my friends said that they missed the happy me that when ever some one was down i was the one that made them smile... well i know that and i put a smile on every day at the least but i dont know i kinda feel really empty... im not sure what i feel anymore alls i know is it isnt good.. the past has come up again and agian but people just say let it go.... ok let me tell you i cant i dont have a choice some one cant just sit there and forget that they were molested ok... i know others have it worse then me and i try to help those that do but in the end im always the same... its been a hard week for me... i dont know why but everything seems to be gettiing to me.. *sighs* ivory died to... i never talked about her here but she was a wild bird that i tamed and that i gave to lucas my boyfriend... well i was over at his house and we played with her for a bit... i felt sumthing was wrong with her and told him i thought it was just to cold for her and he needed to cover her up... we did that and then went to play halo 2... well h3x had to go get sumthing so we went to lucas's room to have some time together... we also checked on ivory but when we did she was dead.... i dont know how many birds i have seen die... i mean i have 22 birds and i have raised all their babies since the day they have hatched and i have watched them grow i have trianed them and i have seen them either die or get sold... i have also watched sum of my babies have babies... but out of them all ivory's death hurt the most i think... i believe it was because ivory was a wild bird and she was my greatest accomplishment.. not to make her sound like a toy... but i spent a lot of time raising her and loving her and now she has been taken from me and lucas... i know lucas was upset and sad but he never expressed it to me at all which made me upset... i wanted to cry but lucas didnt at all and i felt kinda hurt i mean i didnt feel i could cry infront of him at the time.... my ivory i will miss you and i would shed a million tears if i could just have you back... this world can be really cruel at times and i just wanna scream and cry and show the world all my feelings that i have like everyone else can but i cant... because in this world i play the part of making people happy and keeping them in a good mood or saving them from killing themselves because no one else will and all my problems and feelings have to go last in the line and have to let others cut before them in my line of worries