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It's literally been like, four years since I've even bothered making an entry in this journal. It used to seem pointless since no one ever read it or commented on it, but I think that's something I'll use to my advantage right now. I need to write some stuff down, but I don't really want anyone I personally know to read it. And no one I know uses Gaia anymore, so hey, this works!

Tonight has a really weird feeling to it. My sister and I got home from work and my dad came upstairs and hugged us both and said that he was just sad today. Which is WEIRD. My dad does not, does NOT, admit to feelings unless it's neutral or angry. Sadness is something he won't let anyone else see, except sometimes my mom.

So we both go downstairs and hang out with him for a while because yeah, he's never admitted to feeling anything, we'll totally hang out with you, we're so proud! My sister and him drink a bit, and they both get pretty drunk if we're being honest. Which is fine, just not my thing. But he animatedly told some stories about from when he was younger, acted out and everything. I like this side of my dad, I don't get to see it a lot, him just talking about stuff. It's nice.

We all get on the topic of my mom, and then my dad says he would tell us something but he's not allowed to. I ******** freeze, because that's not ******** something you want to hear about your mother (who has a lot of god damn health problems). He said no at first, but we get serious because you don't just say something like that and expect us not to worry.

He tells us that our mom is going to need a kidney transplant within ten years. Which I know is a while away, but I'm only 23 years old. In ten years I'll barely be into my thirties. I can't have my mom dead by then. It's ******** unfair.

I freaked out of course and go upstairs just crying because I just can't handle real life I guess. It's not as bad a he made it seem though when my mom explains it. She goes to some all day testing next Wednesday and goes in front of some board to see if she's a good candidate for a transplant. I swear to god, that made me the most nervous. I don't know how that stuff works. but I know if she isn't approved when her kidneys start failing she goes onto dialysis, and she used to work in a nursing home and I heard a lot of stories about that and how bad it was at times. I just hope to ******** they approve her. I have no problem being a donor of a kidney to her, nor does my sister. I just want her to be okay.