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Every since like... October, I haven't been the same. My emotions have truly over run me, and I don't think I can take it for long. There's so much chaos going around in my house, and my frequent dreams of those that I love dying are beginning to plague my mind. My heart aches when I think about them dying... Why does death come to those with such pure spirits? Why does God take away everything that matters so much to me?
I want to cry so bad, but my pride keeps me from doing so. It also keeps me from commiting suicide. So... Why do I live? I often question myself. Why do I exist? It seems to me as though I have no purpose in life, even when I pass the smiling bug to those around me. My purpose? I'll never have one. There is nothing here on Earth for me.
I wish I could just fly... fly away and never return... Go live on Pluto or something... But I can't. I have to stay here and LIVE; the worst thing that could happen to a being. I don't even fear death anymore. I used to, but now I don't. Mainly because I feel that if there's nothing there, then there's nothing to live for...
This is my first journal. This is what I feel sometimes. These are only but a few of the things that go on in my twisted, insane, mysterious mind every day. And there's no escaping it. I can only sit and endure the pain and misery that so happily walks into my life... But still I smile. I smile to make it better. To make me feel better. To make my siblings and the people around me feel better. Yeah... That's a little bit of me.
 Ruqayyah · Sat Dec 04, 2004 @ 12:14am · 2 Comments |
