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handle anything right now. everything is hectic. and sorry to quote a book but i'm getting bad again. worse than i had been. the breathing. is not working for me. neither is existing. the feeling that with every action i do the world will fall. it's stupid. my world is falling apart all over and i don't know how to fix it this time. the medicine isn't helping. it's not great. everything is fantastic. i'm not normal. i was an absolute idiot to think i ever could be. worst of all, who to talk to but these strangers on the internet that will never bother to actually read this? really. it's impossible to help me. the pain was so bad. and the sadness seemingly eternal - the thing is i've grown so accustomed to pain that i don't know if i want it to go away. it's an uncomfortable pain that brings itself into my life at the least appropriate of times and rips through my body like a hurricane. i'm sorry. i don't know.