Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

The title just happened to be the song I am listening to right now.

Ok, here it is. This is me getting all this s**t out.

I just had a little mini breakdown over something SO STUPID that I knew it was a breakdown. I've had a big one coming for weeks now, but it has yet to hit so I'm thinking it's going to let itself go in little ones at first and then hit HUGELY later to get rid of the rest of it.
I know that my girlfriend and I are going to have to break up.....and that KILLS me. I love Nicole so much that it hurts sometimes.....especially once I realized that she doesn't love me back. She told me today that if everything between her and Cory (this guy she likes) is going to hurt me.....(never finished that statement) I but in right then and told her that it wouldn't matter either way. It's not like I've never been hurt before......and it's not as if this entire situation isn't KILLING me now.......And then there's Ryan. I love him SO MUCH.......and in the last month and a half or so, he's finally started letting me know that he loves me, too.
<break in train of thought due to crying horribly>
WHY THE HELL DOES NICOLE DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!?!?! I just ******** told her that I had a breakdown. Her response? "Ahh, I see." My DAD had a better reaction to my breakdown than that. He actually stood there as I rested against him and let me cry into my hoodie while he rubbed my back and kissed my hair. Then, her reaction was "I have things to do. Sorry." Because I appearantly don't matter to her.......at least, that's how ti feels to me. This hurts. A LOT. My throat is closing up and I can barely breathe. I'm sorry if that made no sense, but that's the way my brain is working. And now, it is going from being pissed as hell to being hurt. So so hurt........I'm tired of being hurt. I don't WANT to be hurt anymore! I don't want to LET HER hurt me anymore!!!!!!! Maybe I should let go of her before she lets go of me......let go of her before this goes any farther. We both know that this between is NOT going to last, but neither of us know how long it will last UNTIL.

>_< I need to try to call Ryan. Again. *prays he'll be able to talk* I need him. Write more later.