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I am so ******** pissed at you for letting yourself get hit by that train. Why the hell couldn't you think of the rest of us, instead of just yourself as usual?! I know we all hated you when you were alive, but damnit, now that you're gone, we miss you and you're psychosis. No matter how much we disliked you, we still loved you. And you had to go and get yourself drunk and go walking down those ******** train tracks. No. This, mom, is unforgivable. It really is. But damnit, I forgive you anyways. Because I know that I love you. I always said I would never be the mother you were to me, and I reinforce that now. I will never leave my daughter to live life without her mother. I will always be there when she needs me. I hate what you've done to my brother, father, and I. I especially hate what you did to Grandpa and Uncle Eric. It's been 5 months and nearly 4 hours since you died, and I can't ******** stop crying. I am so MAD what you did to all of us. But I'm also exhausted for being so angry at you.
I feel like I'm spending so much energy being mad at you, that I barely have the energy to do much else. I play with my daughter, talk to Betty and Ryan, see Dad and Steve, try to get a job, and it all comes back to me missing you. You've done your final ******** on all of our minds, the one we will have to live with for the rest of our lives. And that final ******** on our minds is missing you more than we can stand it.
I forgive you for being an alcoholic, I forgive you for being abusive, I forgive you for not caring, I forgive you for not accepting, I forgive you for hurting, I forgive you for hurting us....
But I will never forgive you for dying.
I love you too much for that.
 TanyaDawn · Tue Feb 03, 2009 @ 08:27pm · 0 Comments |
