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You know, over the years it's become apparent that I really can't learn anything at all unless I'm teaching myself. Think about it; all the subjects I've managed to "study" successfully have all been times when I managed to sit down, rationalize things, and then lecture at myself about them, as if I was talking to someone else and receiving information from someone else. If it's anyone else but me, it won't do, it won't work; somehow I'll just always be on a different wavelength for them, even if they work really hard to make it understandable for me (which isn't often). It would certainly explain why I always get frustrated thinking things like "What the hell am I supposed to be studying anyway? What subject am I even learning?" Clearly I know what subject I'm learning, of course, but what is that subject? What does it really mean? I know what the teacher said, but what did he mean by that? When the textbook says this, what does that mean?

Coupled with my complete inability to memorize things and the fact that tests are never written using my method of thinking, this is a humongous problem. I especially can't do it well under pressure, or when I've got a "tutor". . . my god, I hate tutors. Not a single one has ever managed to successfully get me a good grade, and to make things worse, I don't even learn the subject when I'm done. Chemistry? I had the ******** tutored out of me in Chemistry! By about three different people who were Chemistry experts! I think I've taken it something like four times now and it's ravished my understanding of the subject so terribly that I don't think I'll ever be able to learn it. Let's not even talk about Math, a subject I used to be good at, and slowly got worse and worse at as people kept imposing rules on me and forcing me to think about it the way they did.

I miss having English classes, where thinking differently from other people was something people praised you for. I'm not even going to pretend I have some higher reason for appreciating it right now, like what it says about humanity or the social condition, I just really like to be praised once in a while. I don't know if I get praised more than the average person, maybe I do; I'm not saying I'm a neglected poor person or whatever. But if I'm getting punished for something -- if I do something and the consequence is that I am not happy -- then I will not want to do it again. If I do something and the consequence is that I am happy, then I'll want to do it more and more.

I don't see what's wrong with wanting to minimize the bad feelings and maximize the good. If I study and it's really hard for me to study, I don't want to be made to feel bad as a result of studying. Fine, it's immature. But, this is about me, isn't it? It's about my education, my learning, my studying. Why should I have to labor and labor and labor through other people's "unintentional" things, and purposefully take something that makes me feel bad and try to feel good about it? Why can't people just hear me telling them not to say this thing, because it upsets me, and then try not to do it again? That's what I try to do for other people. Am I just not worth that tiny little effort?