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I never thought I would ever go bacl to being this way,infact,I thought I had actually recovered;I guess I should have known better,afterall, I have been this way for 12 years now, you can't just walk out of it like I thought I had done.
I'm barely eating anymore,I go for atleast 5 days without anything solid and when I do eat something I try to puke it out,in the last 2 weeks I can honestly say that I've eaten the same amount a normal person would eat in 3-4 days and most of the times if I'm at home,like saturday, I will go to the bathroom and spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to purge;I'm getting better at it,I don't know weather I should boast about it or not but in a way I feel proud of the stupid things I'm doing to myself,I'm currently in yet another fast,last one lasted 5 days and I want this one to last more than 10.
I know this is wrong, but I feel like the outside should reflect the pain that is in me.
I feel alone and hurt most of the time,like I don't even know myself anymore and this is the only thing that makes me feel better.
I don't even know if I want to get better.
I doubt anyone cares what happens so I'll keep doing it until the oputside reflects the pain that I'm feeling; I wish I could talk about it yet I don't.
 yamiruri · Mon Apr 03, 2006 @ 06:45pm · 2 Comments |
