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It is official.
This morning I made another major move forward in my life. The actual steps had been taken before today but today made it official for me.
The keys have been turned in, the security privileges are gone and I have been recoded in the system. I no longer have the access or the responsibilities I had even twelve hours ago. My job title has changed, my pay adjusted and when I go back I will no longer have even a third of the drama and stress coming at me constantly as I did before.
It. Feels. Incredible.
I officially stepped out of management today; I work in a bookstore and mistakenly believed that it would be completely different from the reality of it...and when I was offered management a while back I naively thought that it was a step in the right direction. I had already began to hate the job so I am not really sure what the hell I was thinking when I took the promotion; I think I thought that being a manager would make me love the job and stress again, or make it worth it or SOMETHING. It was not too long before I realized that taking a promotion in a job that you already hate, thinking it will fix it, is like having a baby to help keep a relationship going. You are not only going to cause more damage but someone completely innocent is going to be hurt in the process; in my case it was Asai, my now-fiance, then-boyfriend. He took ninety-nine percent of the brunt of my anger issues and constant bad news. I just pulled away from everyone else because I was seriously overloaded and constantly on edge; he got the full effects of the meltdown and for that I can never make it up to him. That episode in our relationship is just one more reason why I am shocked he gave me the ring I can't stop staring at; I have been a total nightmare but he just calmly holds on.
Needless to say, I was very, very wrong when I thought that stepping up was the answer. I can track back a lot of current issues to making the decision to take the manager position. I still have a lot of issues with the fact I stepped down (like the fleeting sense of guilt, like I have failed or let people down...or that I have let the store and the people I hate the most win...but in the end, I know what I did was right for ME and that means that I did the thing that a strong person would do...and as for the people I dislike, it just means I have more energy to just keep being me, which is what pisses them off the most xD) and I know damn well there will be repercussions at work over it...but in the end, when I listen to what is going on inside, I know I did the right thing. Yes, I will eventually have to find another job but I will never let another place I work take over my life and my well-being as that place has. I wish I could have quit a long, long while back but I need the money. I have bills to pay; mine do not pay themselves. rofl
Besides all that, I am so blessed. This year has been just as golden as we knew it was going to be. Asai and I had a very good feeling about this year; all this does is drive it home that good things have come our way and is on the horizon.
It feels as if the world got bigger as soon as that key left my hand. It feels as if there are more adventures...and I desperately need the break, if for nothing else then to accept the fact I am allowed a break.
It feels good, man. Today was a major step for me- I am learning to set boundaries and this was a huge, major boundary. I feel good, about myself and the future.
I can finally get some writing time in. heart I can finally work on the stuff that makes me happiest instead of working to get the bills paid or putting someone else's interests before mine only to hear how it was not good enough. The older I am getting, the more self-centered I am getting. I know this is because I have had to work on the people-pleasing issues I have and the fact I was an emotional doormat for years...but damn, it feels good. I have spent more then half of my existence on this planet living for others, doing or not doing what would make them happy. I am and never was the saint that people joked about; I was just someone that wanted to make people happy but attracted the wrong kinds of people...and when that blew up I realized I had given away all the "good" parts I had.
Those days are over; as of today, even more of it is over then it was yesterday. I have had to work very, very hard to get some of the "good" back and doing this has helped immensely.
Now to get to work on getting published. All I have ever wanted to do was write; by god, I am taking back the time to do so.
 · Sun May 15, 2011 @ 10:15pm · 0 Comments |
