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Wow, it's been quite some time since I have written in my journal. It's depressing that changing that is brought on by Trevor and I breaking up.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back:
Anywho, we broke up almost two weeks ago (le gasp, so long ago) and I was feeling fine the first week. Yes, the first day I cried, and cried, and cried, but then the next day I felt fine. Life was good, I could tell people what happened without breaking back down, I could talk about our good times and the things he said. I could look at a picture of us and yes, it stang, but once again, it didn't trigger a breakdown. I didn't need Trevor. Yes, I sure as hell wanted him in my life, he was my best friend, but I didn't need him, I could survive.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back:
I can't pinpoint when exactly, but something changed. All of a sudden I wasnt feeling as good as I was. I started thinking of Trevor more and more. "I wonder how he is, I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he is miserable without me and wants me back..."
It kills me. And on my good days, my thoughts drift more to the future. Oh, in a few years I'll still be stuck here, and I'll be in San Diego having lunch with my friends, when out of nowhere I hear from him, asking if I am still in the area and if I wanted to get a coffee or something, because the Navy stationed him down here. Or, even further into the future, he will walk into my bar either intentionally or not (he already knows what I am going to name it) and sparks fly all movie style (thanks to the friend who put this idea in my head). The third option is simply, the next time I visit my cousin, I see Trevor, we talk about what happened, and he asks for me back. Naturally I accept.
Other days, I simply loathe Trevor for throwing away what we had for something as simple and dumb as it was, and I don't see myself wanting to see him after we talk and thinking "if he asks for me back, I'm going to say no."
Then we get days like today where I fear he is already over me, and wont ask for me back. This leads to the thought that I won't find anyone as hot as Trevor, and if I do, he won't get along with me nearly as well. And I see myself with an older guy, who is so sweet, and when it comes time for me to start my bar he wants to get a real house, and doesn't support me in my want of Paul's Gate (my bar) and obviously we don't work out because he doesn't think my dreams are important enough.

I know it's not healthy, and I hate this stupid thing. I hate everything that's happened. I hate that I left Nick for a guy who lives so far away just to have him break my heart. Don't get me wrong, Nick is an a** and I am far from wanting him back, but it was dumb of me to leave him for something that created a less than ideal situation.