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They don't tell you that about the pain,or the dizziness as the pills go down your throat.
They don't tell you how much it hurts when you can't get up anymore. how your eyesight blurrs and your stomach turns. How your head goes blank and for a moment all you want to do is scream.
then the horrible feeling you get after you vomit. After you realize you failed.
it because an "attempt". how i hate that word. how wish it wasn't there taunting, in front of the word "Suicide"
Sigh,
They've put on pills a while ago.
But i've taken to hiding them under my tongue.
If i take them i lose it all.
Everything that was ever me.
Even though I don't want to feel this anymore, i feel like that pain is what makes me me. I've had it with me as long as i can remember, and to lose it would be losing myself. I don't know what "Normal" is. Feeling normal isn't familiar to me. I don't know how to feel it. And when i feel it I don't know what to do with it. because I still feel the pain tugging at the sleeve of "Normal" it's not gone. it's still there, reminding of what was.
Sometimes, I don't think i want to get better. because there really is not place for me here. so when i get better... what then? will i continue to burden the world?
I'm dressing differently, but inside i still feel like the black clad girl.
I remember, because I'm still her, just in disguise.
How i try to blend in,and when i can't, i turn into the loudest. My defense mechanism: be as loud as possible. either a) everyone will be annoyed and leave me alone. or b) they'll think I'm fine and leave me alone.
I get tired of being the loud one.
but sometimes, it really is me.
its weird. the loud one is and isn't me. it's half of me. one half isa fangirl, loud and fun, and plain ridiculous. the other is my quiet,i hate the world, UN-trusting side. then i have the a*****e part of me, the one thats doesn't want to hear your ******** bullshit.
this is gonna be private i can tell.