dad. the word rings through my body. never did i think that it would lead to this, this heartbreak the constant bleeding the gulityness with in my soul. i do not think i remeber my blood father clearly anymore. i have not seen his face in a long time. i only have a long forgotten picture of him, that is filled with faded memories of long lost happyness. my life started out happy. i had a mother a father a sister and things were going well untill my mother left. that was the first crack. again my father remarries hoping hes found the one. hes found the joy in his life and he did for a while. but agian never did i think that things would lead to this. i never though my mother would leave but she had come back. as the crack in my heart started to heal another began to grow. as my dads wife grew closer and closer to my sister and i the more i hurt her. the more i screamed on the phone when my mother had to leave the more i lashed out wanting what i couldnt have. agian i was naive. once more i never thought that the extending pain that i had caused would take it that far. i loved my father i loved my sister i loved my mom and even my fathers new wife. but clouds rolled in again. augments beatings bruises. i could not take it any longer. the cracks in my heart grew faster and faster all the while new people jumped in to my blended chaos. gary my new step father. i begain to visit my first memories that i still hold feel like knife cut across my thout. i begin to run. i ran away from what i knew that hurt me. i ran from my fathers and my new mothers twisted love. and into someone else. finally i had enough and i had moved to my mothers and things were happy for a while. but i was foolish. as i began to only visit my father things things exploded. and nothing could replaced the pain. this was the first broken piece of my heart. again i ran from the pain and yet again i am stuck. i know this may be confusing but if you focus you can see that everyone in my life is happy with me for a while. only a while. i do not want to run away anymore. i do not want to be ran over with this pain again and again. why does each happy begging have to end in diastor??? where is my happy ending? is there none for me? why do they leave? does anyone truly love me? am a a cancer of the world only show the people of this world pain? am i PAIN? i am tried of being scared not only for you but of me. so many things are screaming though my mind and yet i make no sence. the only answer i can come to is chaos is everything. nothing in this life is simple nothing is black and white. it is a jumbled mass of grey and i cannot blance it. my heart is being crushed. all i want is to have my happy ending to have my love sleep by me night after night. i want my love to wrapp there arms around me and love me for me. to love me for my flaws. to love me. i dont know what the hell im talking about anymore but i hope some one out here understands. that can see though and make the cracks in my heart stop growing to make them whole to put the piece of my heart together.i know i am asking alot but i hope. that someday i make someone truly happy to make them want to live. and if i achieve that i will die a happy person. so if i am down i just want to let you know the reason is im scared. i scared of losing all the wonderful people that i know. im scared of losing my family friends and my own self control. please know that i love you with all my heart and that i always will. i guess what im trying to say in all this choas i just wrote. im sorry. i never ment to hurt anyone of make things complicated, i never wanted to be this pathetic in front of you. and that i love you and your the best thing that ended up in my life. thank you for every thing.
x-innocent_nightmare Community Member 
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