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20th december 2008. he never could remember dates very well, and he used to say i'm too sentimental and clingy about them. i guess i am. i remember that day too well, and in shocking detail too.
so, today marks the day. exactly one year ago, my life started its journey on the highway to emotional hell. i didn't know it then, i was too ecstatic and caught up in the moment, but it'd all lead to one big fat mess in the end.
i would've very much liked to fly by this day, blissfully ignorant of its significance, but i guess the wound is still a little fresh, still a little hard to ignore.
i don't know. do i still have a right to be sad thinking about it? it's not like i want to be o_O i know that i'm not sad about him, but thinking about the experience makes me wanna....bluergh.
but well, seeing everything in hindsight...heh, it's just funny, so darn ironic. what a stupid girl i was one year ago >_< but then i wonder if i got any smarter.
yeah...i really wonder.
ninja
so, today in church we sang 'The Potter's Hand'.
the last time i recall doing that song was the weekend after we broke up. back then, i broke down in the chorus that went
Take me, break me,
Use me, fill me,
I give my life to the Potter's hands.
Hold me, guide me,
Mold me, walk beside me,
I give me life to the Potter's hands.
i wondered how many people in the congregation really understood what it meant to be broken and molded by God, who uses our painful experiences to make us stronger. cos it's a fact, God sometimes uses grief and pain to mold us to be more like Christ.
learning that lesson firsthand, didn't make me any happier. in fact, i confess that i asked God on the spot to take the pain away, because i didn't think i could handle it at the time. it didn't make me happier, but it made me stronger...just strong enough to pull through.
and that’s how He works, you know, giving you just enough when you think you’re going to crack. sometimes i think He really asks too much of me...and i ask Why God? Why so much pain for just one little life lesson? couldn't You have told me in an easier way?
but then, as we sang that song this morning, i looked back on my past 1 year and realized i couldn't have known what i know now, if i hadn't gone through what i did. and it makes me cringe to say this, but if i were given a chance to change anything in my past, i wouldn't take that chance.
at the end of the day, God is the Potter. He does know best, and He is good to me. so i'll leave 20th december 2009 on that happier note.
20th december 2009. this day would've been a lot harder to get through if it weren't for you, and You =)
 kayjenno · Sun Dec 20, 2009 @ 04:11pm · 0 Comments |
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