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Since the first day I started writing in this journal, my desire was to use it as an outlet for the things deep inside me. Whether good or bad, cheerful or miserable, hopeful or cynical, I wanted to get it out of me so I could somehow process it, channel it, understand it, whatever "it" would be.
It's strange that I describe everything in me with such polar opposite terms: "good or bad" "hopeful or cynical". Really, this journal was supposed to include the merely plain, the ordinary, even the boring about my life.
I wrote in it hoping the people I know online would look at it and have something to say to me about it. It didn't matter to me if it turned out to be criticism, praise, comfort, or curiosity. There was (and to some extent, still is) a part of me that hungers for attention.
But I will no longer demand that attention, not as if I were right to force it out of anyone, and I must be careful not to turn into some young adult going through a late "emo" stage where I wallow in emotional chaos.
Still, many things go on inside me, and I want to take inventory of myself. I want to celebrate the good in me, face the bad in me, and contemplate all that lies in between.
From here on, I'll make it a point to do that. I hope people who know me will take the time to read these, but ultimately I'm not doing this to have a spotlight shine on me. I don't want attention as much as I want...well, to understand myself better. To do that, I need to sort out the wild mess of thoughts and desires, fantasies and phobias.
Most of all, I think, it is time I start figuring out my convictions, really understanding what I believe in. What matters to me.
This should be a journey worth making.
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