Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old teachers never die, they just lose their class.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old skeptics, but their future is doubtful.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Once there was a toad who wanted to add on to his Lilly pad. Now, Mr. Toad needed money to undertake this project, so he went down to the bank to get a loan. There at the teller window was his old friend, Ms. Patricia Wack. Hello, Patricia, said Mr. Toad. "I need a loan so I can add onto my lily pad." Well, Mr. Toad, we can lend you the money, but we need some collateral. Do you have anything you can give us? Mr. Toad went through his bag of possessions and came out with a little gold statue. "This is all I have," he said. "Well, I don't know," said Patricia. "Let me ask the president." So Patricia walked into the President's office and said, "Mr. Toad needs a loan, but this is all he has as collateral," and she handed him the statue. The president looked at the statue and said, "It's a nick-nack, Patty Wack. Give the frog a loan."
One churchperson to another: 'I can't remember your name but your faith is familiar.'
One day a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York. When ask what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America." To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole. Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planed to do. The zoo keeper got an axe and ask the man, "Okay, which gorilla did it, was it the male or the female." Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper quickly split the female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech. With which the man from New York shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech's in the male."
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies, "Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger." The owner replies, "Well, let's see Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?" The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny." To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?" No son, I want this color. But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you? says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale. By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about. The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.
Question: How did Christopher Columbus finance his trip to America? Answer: With the Discover Card.
Question: What happens when you play country music backwards? Answer: You get your wife back, you get your house back, you get your job back, you get your car back, etc?
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his lorry ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Scientists found a way to clone a bit of Shakespeare's DNA and recreate The Great Bard. Naturally, ABC, NBC, CBS, and CNN were vying with each other to get him on their networks. When they approached Mr. S with their offers, how did he respond? TV or not TV, that is the question.
Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the George Washington Bridge.
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
Sick of Hamburgers? Dress them up with this great spread from Getty's, available at all Lincoln Supermarkets. Make hamburgers a real treat with Lincoln's Getty's Burger Dress.
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.
Some people trade TIT-FOR-TAT; healthy people trade FIT-FOR-FAT.
Speaking ill of the dead is a grave mistake.
Statisticians say "mean" things.
Tae Kwan Do or Judo? Which martial arts class should I take?, Tom asked kungfusedly.
That was ZEN -- this is TAO.
The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage - about 20 minutes - during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do) one of them looked at his watch. Hey! We need to get back! No need to panic, said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later, they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. Well, of course, said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
The Complete Shrimp Cookbook is pure prawnography.
The concept of dividing the globe into longitudinal strips or bands to establish time zones, was first proposed by Sweden's Alex Andersrag. But few people today refer to these zones as Alex Andersrag Time Bands.
The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and ploughed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces. Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and spread a creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new. Astonishing! said the truck driver to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to stick all the pieces together?" Oh, that was tollgate booth paste.
The first scientists who studied fog were mistified.
Did you hear about the magician who walked down the street and turned into a drugstore
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and asked, "Did you get my drift?"
The picture of the horse is good. But where is the wagon? "Oh, the horse will draw that."
The pun is mightier than the sword
The standard deviation is not enough for perverted staticians
Then there was the student nurse who got three demerits for being absent without gauze.
There once was a small town in which lived a group of monks. These monks, having need of money to fund their monastery, decided to open up a flower shop. Well the rest of the townspeople were very pleased at first, since they hadn't had a flower shop before. However, some people became concerned when they noticed that whenever children were sent to the flower shop to flowers, they went missing. A group of citizens went to the shop to see if the monks knew what had happened to them. They entered the store and were immediately impressed and awed by the wide assortment of exotic flora present. However, their admiration turned to horror when one of the larger plants reached down, grabbed a small boy, and swallowed him whole! The villagers fled the shop screaming, attracting the attention of the other townspeople. As soon as the news was spread, the people decided that the only thing to do was to get rid of the evil monks! A group of 20 men were assembled, and they armed themselves with clubs and staves. At high noon, they attacked the monks' flower shop. However, they were unprepared for the high level of fighting skills of the brown-robed brothers: The men were beaten back in less than fifteen minutes! So the townspeople assembled a second group, this time arming them with knives and scythes. At midnight, they attacked. But once again, the merciless monks beat them back, this time in less than ten minutes! The townspeople were at a loss. Who would save them? Suddenly, out of the darkness, stepped Hugh the blacksmith, the tallest, strongest, and most foul-smelling man in the village. "Do not worry, my friends", said Hugh. "*I* will rid this town of these evil evangelists!" The townspeople, having no other alternative (and nothing to lose except a relatively poor blacksmith), armed Hugh with clubs, staves, knives and scythes, and sent him off to vanquish the foul friars. They waited impatiently at the edge of the town, hoping against hope that Hugh would return victorious. Suddenly, over the crest of the hill, silhouetted against the afternoon sun, appeared Hugh. Over his shoulder was slung the remains of the hideous man-eating plant. The monks have fled! Their flowers will trouble us no more!, cried Hugh. The townspeople cried out with joy, and, proclaiming the day a holiday, feasted and danced until dawn. From that day on, a moral was passed on to all the children of the town. Whenever they were tempted to make fun of Hugh and his slow, smelly ways, they were reminded: "Only Hugh Can Prevent Florist Friars."
There was a inebriated man taking a dip in a Scotland tourist spot where there is a law that says you can't be intoxicated while swimming in the loch....he was charged with public drunk in Ness.
There was this yellow toad hopping down a path in the woods. He was feeling really sick and had such a terrible cough he though he might croak. Anyway, he came upon a man who, it turns out, was a doctor. He diagnosed the frogs illness right away, but, alas, he found he was not carrying the medicine with him that the frog required. The doctor pointed down the path toward a distant hill. "Toad", he said, "if you can hop down past that hill you will find a village where my office is located. Take this prescription with you and tell the druggist to give you what you need." The toad thanked the doctor and started on his journey A few hours later, the doctor came upon a bunny , hopping through the woods. "And how are you today, Mr. Rabbit?" said the doctor. Not so good, came the reply. "I hopped on a thorn a few miles back and my foot is starting to swell." The doctor looked at the rabbit's limb and applied a temporary bandage. "You need to see my nurse who will give you a better dressing and make you well again." Oh thank you! said the rabbit. "Which way do I go to find your office?" With that, the doctor point toward the distant hill and said "Follow the yellow sick toad."
There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned!
These two blokes are lost in the Sahara desert. They're desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon a village where market day is in full swing. They go to the first stall they see and ask if they can buy some water. No, replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall." So off they go to the next stall and again they ask for water. "Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard." Custard? one of the blokes says to the other, "What kind of place is this?" By now desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly." Hearing this, one of the blokes turns to the other and says, "This is a trifle bazaar."
They arrested a man for passing himself off as the comedian named Seinfeld....the charge was playjerism.
They arrested a woman for causing an accident while on her cellphone....she was charged with driving while intalksicated.
They arrested the barber for running a clip joint.
They arrested the bartender for taking liquor home. I believe the official charge was "emboozlement."
They arrested the Chrysler salesman and he couldn't a-Ford bail.
They arrested the former chewing gum manufacturer for unlicensed ex-spearmints.
They arrested the hock shop owner for indecency--he was selling pawnographic materials.
They arrested the monkey for throwing Rhesus feces at zoo attendants.His charge? Turd debris assault
They arrested the owner of a threatening bull--he was brought up on charges.
They arrested the Pfizer pharmaceutical rep for hitting a pharmacist because he wouldn't buy their popular pill---he was charged with Viagravated assault.
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter says, "Well, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
This story takes place in the distant future, where interstellar travel is commonplace and contacts with alien races are familiar experiences. One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite. At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them. It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks. It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a four-story condominium, but the brain lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lives. This puzzles the heck out of the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get some sign of life from the behemoth -- in vain. It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and a brain to a creature that doesn't use them?" It happens that he's the first to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rises with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, thinks for a moment, booms, "IT COULDN'T," and squats down again Oh my God, exclaims the xenobiologist, "Of course! It only stands to reason"
Three Native American mothers sat around the campfire. One, seated on deer skin, boasted that her son weighed 140 pounds. A second, seated on her mountain lion skin, claimed that her son weighed 160 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus skin, said, "I don't have any sons, but I myself weigh 300 pounds." Which proves that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
Tibetan housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my baking yak!"
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two old tomcats were bragging about their brave exploits. "Nice looking scars you've got their on your neck!" said one. "Thanks," said the other,"I made them from scratch."
Two vultures board an airplane; each is carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two wrongs can make a riot.
Unemployment is not working.
Wear short sleeves. Support your right to bear arms.
We're a fastidious couple.... I'm fast.... She's tedious.
What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby? Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can't venom all.
What did the mother say to her kids when she came home to find the sink piled high? Dishes a real mess!
What did the religious owner of a pest control company tell his workers he sent them off to their assignments each day? “Brothers and sisters, let us spray.”
What did the toy store sign say? Don't feed the animals. They are already stuffed.
What Disney movie is about a gal who couldn't rise above a housecleaning position? The Little Mere Maid
What Disney movie is about a stupid boyfriend? Dumb Beau
What Disney movie is about the tall-tale-telling champ? The Lyin' King
What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.
What happened to the woman with ten children? She went stork raving mad.
What happened when the cow tried to jump over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
What is a mouse's favorite game? Hide and Squeak
What is the breed of canine that easily forgets his place on the trail? Wherewolf
What is the difference between a crazy rabbit and a counterfeit coin? One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
What is the difference between a frog and a cat? A frog croaks all the time, a cat only nine times.
What is the difference between a knight and Santa's reindeer? One slays the dragon and the other is draggin' the sleigh.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One's a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
What is the difference between a unicorn and lettuce? One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
What is the difference between a well dressed man and a dog? The man wears a suit, the dog just pants.
What is the difference between an ornithologist and a stutterer? One is a bird watcher, and the other is a word botcher.
What is the difference between one yard and two yards? A fence
What is the purpose of reindeer? It makes the grass grow, sweetie.
What is the religion of a woman who had a sex-change operation. A HeThen
What musical is about a train conductor? "My Fare, Lady"
What would you get if you crossed a bat with a lonely hearts club? Lots of blind dates.
What would you get if you crossed a donkey with an owl? A smart a** which knows it all.
What would you get if you crossed a mole with a porcupine? A tunnel that leaks.
What would you get if you crossed a parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
What would you get if you crossed a pigeon and a general? A military coo.
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge? A shock absorber.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
When I saw a lorry load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
When Mr. Sip's wife steps into the rest room, does Mississippi?
When NASA puts 20 head of cattle into outer space, it will be the first herd shot around the world.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
When the cops raided the strip joint, who did they arrest every bawdy?
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination
Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.
Where do you find giant snails? On the ends of giant's fingers.
Which president was least guilty? Lincoln. He is in a cent.
While at an amusement park one very windy day, Scott found himself inside one of the buildings in idle conversation a park janitor, who was preparing to go outside to pick up the blowing litter. The woman was of small stature (4'10", 90 pounds) and she remarked that she would have to put rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work. Scott looked at her and said, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?"
While Nostradamus was alive, he was in great demand by the various churches and temples in the area. Since this got to be a strain running from place to place, the religious groups got together and hammered out a schedule where they would each get Nostradamus' services for one or two days a month on a rotating basis. It was the world's first prophet-sharing plan.
Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs? Because she mislaid them.
Why is a fisherman more honest than a shepherd? A fisherman lives by hook while a shepherd lives by crook.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? There are nomad people there.
Why was the college football star's father unhappy after he paid the school tuition for his son? He only got a quarter back.
Why was the tired knight's butt like a mythical beast? His a** was Dragon
Will pollution of the Grand Canal make a Venetian blind?
With everything you read about spray cans and the ozone layer it's enough to scareosol to death.
Without geometry, life is pointless
Years ago, scientists developed artificial sugars and in more recent years artificial fat. In 1999, scientists invented artificial spaghetti. What was the brand name? Impasta
You say it's the New Communism, but I think it's just the same old Bolshevik
Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a big Army tank. 'Well, son,' said his dad, 'if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in your way."
Your funny, funny looking!
You're american outside the bathroom, but inside, european.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
A day without wordplay is a day without punshine.
A famous British wit claimed he could make a pun on any topic. He was challenged to make a pun about the queen. He looked concerned, then said brusquely, "The Queen is certainly not a subject."
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
A few years ago, there was a really eccentric oil tycoon who had taken it into his head to collect really strange and exotic pets. One day, deciding to add to his collection, he walked into the store of an exotic pet shop and said to the salesman, "Show me the most unusual pet you have in stock!" The salesman took him to an outside tank, in which a pod of dolphins were frolicking happily. "These may LOOK like ordinary dolphins," he told the man, "but these were given to us to sell by a genetics research group studying ways to genetically reduce aging in humans. It seems the experiment was a success on these little guys. They can't survive out in the wild anymore, they're too tame, but as long as they don't catch any severe debilitating diseases, they will live more or less forever." The man is impressed, and being the wealthy man that he is, drops the cash to buy the dolphins and have a suitable home for them installed in his backyard. The man became quite attached to his pets and took very good care of them, and they frolicked about in their tank happily for nearly fifteen years, much longer than any of his other pets had ever survived. The man spared no expense for their care, and seriously considered leaving his multi-million dollar estate to them in his will. But one day they began to seem a little droopy and not very energetic. Alarmed, the man rang for the vet, who told him that alas, his precious dolphins had contracted a rare icthyoid disease, and the only antibiotic for them had to be derived from the feathers of the blue Savannah Parrot that lived on the jungle fringes of Africa. The man didn't think twice. He called up his travel agent and booked the next day's flight to Africa, and rented a jeep and a guide and pack boy to help him bag some of these parrots. They drove up to the edge of the jungle, stopped the jeep and trudged into the trees on an old native hunting trail, nets in hand. After about six hours of this, they had bagged two of the parrots, and the man decided that would be enough feather to make enough antibiotic for his pets. So he trudges back out toward the jeep - and freezes. A huge, stately lion had decided to take a nap right in the middle of the path between him and the jeep. He looks over his shoulder and realizes that his companions have fled leaving him literally holding the bag, and the growth is too thick on either side of the trail to make it past without waking the lion. So he backs up about fifty feet, gets a running start, and leaps over the beast and makes a dash for the jeep and drives off for the airport. Just as he is nearing sight of the airport, he hears a siren and sees some flashing lights. He dutifully pulls over, and a policeman steps up to him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're under arrest - " The man interrupts him, "Oh, please, officer, I'll pay any fine at all! I need to get these parrots back so I can make a vaccine for my dolphins so they don't die!" Well, sir, the policeman replies, "I'm afraid that's the root of the problem. I have to arrest you for taking mynahs over the stately lion for immortal porpoises."
Our Complete List of Bar Puns
A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.
A bear walked into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer ... and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Why the big pause?"
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."
A doctor walked into a bar across from Cedar Sinai Hospital still wearing his surgical greens and a stethoscope around his neck. As he sat at the bar he noticed that there was a pile of toys next to the cash register. "What are those?" he asked. The bartender said "Those are wind-up toys for the customers to play with. Would you like one? The mouse is my favorite." "OK, let me try the mouse, and bring me a drink. I'll have a ummmm let's see what would be good?" "How about my specialty? If you can guess what it is, the first one is free," the bartender offered. "OK, fine!" the doctor replied, winding up the toy mouse. When the toy was put on the bar it began to run in circles. Every time the mouse completed a loop it stopped, sat up and wiggled its nose. Then it quickly ran back around the circle in the other direction. Meanwhile, a couple were arguing at the other end of the bar over another one of the toys. It was a clock that played different songs, depending on where the hands were pointed. The guy said to the woman "Mary, you always grab that one before I get here just because you know it's my favorite! Let me have it!" and she said "Don't be stupid, Juan, you never liked this clock until I started playing with it!" Meanwhile the mouse continued spinning madly on the bar, as the bartender approached with a cocktail glass filled with a frothy green liquid. "That mouse is amazing," the doctor said, "it's been running for almost five minutes and it hasn't slowed down yet!" "I know, that's why it is my favorite, but I guess it will run down soon. Here's your drink. Taste it. What do you think it is?" The doctor sniffed the glass, noting the distinctive aroma of rum, and saw that there were brown flecks floating on top. He sipped it apprehensively as the fight in the corner escalated. "I have had it with you, Mary! I'm leaving!" the guy yelled, as he started for the door. "OK, there's rum and lime juice in it," the doctor ventured, "and I think those brown specks are ground up walnuts." The mouse began to slow slightly, as the woman in the corner screamed "You want the damn thing, you can have it!" She threw the clock toward the door as the doctor's face brightened, and he said, "I know! I've got it! It's a walnut daiquiri!" Nope, but you're close, the bartender said as the clock struck Juan, and the mouse ran down, "It's a hickory daiquiri doc!"
A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs right into two priests. He says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, you're not." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, "No, son, you're not." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." He walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"
A goldfish walks into a bar and looks at the bartender. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The goldfish says, "Water."
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy is just staring at the horse, when the horse says, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?" The guy says, "No, I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
A man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Heyi must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts they're complimentary."
A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
A kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here, you know." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."
A little guy walks into a bar and slips on some vomit. Minutes later a tough guy walks into the bar and slips on the vomit as well. The little guy says, "I just did that." The big guy then beats the little guy up.
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."
A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt out of here!" The man replies, "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender is embarrassed and gives the man a beer on the house. Later that day, the guy is telling his friend about it: "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!" The friend then takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says, "The sign says no dogs allowed! You'll have to leave!" The friend says, "Sorry, I can't see the sign because I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender replies, "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair. The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking, What would you like to drink "You'll have to speak up," replies the man. "I'm a trifle, hard of hearing."
A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitre 'd that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?" The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist." The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once upon time was four little pig..."
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the barman. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ear."
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
A patron ordered a Manhattan. When served there was a piece of parsley floating in the glass. "What in the world is this? asked the man.The bartender replied, "Central Park."
A piece of string walked into a bar and said "Gimme a beer!" but the bartender said "Get outta here! We don't serve your kind here!" So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said "Aren't you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?" No, the string replied, "I'm a frayed knot!"
A pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them up and the bartender says, "Don't you need to know where the bathroom is?" The pig says, "No, I go wee wee all the way home."
A polar bear, a giraffe and a penguin walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor"
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
Celine Dion walks into a bar. The bartender says, "So, why the long face?"
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes
Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a "very" buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him. He's laying on the floor and moans, "Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Because he has a liquor license!"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another, I said, "Let's go back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should do just fine."
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
Shakespeare walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. "I can't serve you." says the bartender. "You're Bard!"
So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says,"Because you can't hold your liquor."
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Four bucks," says the bartender. "Put it on my bill."
This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her, "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy."
Two cakes walk into a bar. The bartender shouts, "Get out! We don't serve your kind here!" To, which, the cakes reTORT, "Where else should we go?" And not moving an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies, "I don't care, I think there's a place yeast of here!"
Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite"
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?", he asks the barman. "Of course", says the barman. "Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector.
It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
There are many businesses that are home to resident cats. One particular bar in our neighborhood has a very well groomed resident cat who is quite friendly. In fact the owner has a rule that no customer may order a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a while. He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Jen the kitty Community Member 
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