Cell phones are a static symbol.
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
Compare a prisoner in shackles to one unshackled. It's the difference of a pinion
Corduroy pillows are making headlines
Dear, must you spend so much money on food? "Sorry, darling, but you and the kids just won't eat anything else!"
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
Did you hear about the woman who escaped from the back of a police car? She was arrested for reading palms. She escaped because she was very short, only 4' 6" tall. The headline in the local newspaper read: 'Short Medium at Large.'
Diet slogan: Are You Going The Wrong Weigh
Dieting is a matter of life and breedth
Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual
Doctor Evil cloned himself again. This time created a full size version of himself. He was charged with "Bigger Me."
Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dollywood is currently undergoing renovations....please PARTON our dust!
Don't put too many adaptors into one socket. They confuse.
Dr. Oleander Fern, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming rate. Fern finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Dr. Myra Cantha looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Myra brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean?" said Fern. Yes, said Myra. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"
A dyslexic atheist with insomnia lays awake wondering if there really IS a Dog
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery
Families are like fudge. Mostly sweet with a few nuts.
Father to his six-year-old-son: 'Words are very important. When you talk to your neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!'
Garry said, "you remind me of a pepper pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
George Clooney was having some cosmetic surgery done.His doctor decided while George was under the knife to modify his chin. George was aghast to find that his dimple had been removed and charged the doctor with cleft of property.
Ghandi, the Super-Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis
Gravity is a myth; Earth sucks.
Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
Have you heard of the Mexican ghost named Jose? They call him, "No Weigh, Jose".
Headline: Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan.
Headline: Two convicts evade noose, jury hung.
Heard about the musician that robbed the bank.... He made off with the lute!
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Hussein was brought up on charges of screwing over his people while living large.The charge was Saddamy.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck.
I have a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
I remember the case not too long ago of the scientist that cloned himself. However, his clone was very obnoxious, while the scientist was well received and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone. He was arrested by the local police for making an obscene clone fall.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He asked "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't come on Tuesdays".
I said to the train driver, "I want to go to Paris". He asked "Eurostar?" I replied, "I've been on telly but I'm no Tom Cruise".
I tried looking for gold, but it didn't pan out.
I tried to make the plump ladies see the error of their weighs.
I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.
I used to be a baker, but I didn't make enough dough.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded
I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.
I used to work for Budweiser, but then I got canned.
I used to be a butler, but found the work wasn't my cup of tea.
I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
I used to be a fisherman, but I got caught playing hooky.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a nun, but I got expelled because of my dirty habits.
I used to be a marathon runner, but couldn't stand the agony of de feet.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.
I used to be a road digger, but I got re-trenched.
I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a shoe salesman, till they gave me the boot.
I used to work at Starbucks, but I got tired of the daily grind.
I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.
I used to be a taxi driver, but found I couldn't hack it.
I used to be a teacher, but found I didn't have enough class.
I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.
I used to be a train driver but I got sidetracked.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.
I considered going into the ministry but I didn't have an altar ego.
I tried working in a bakery, but was told I wasn't "bread" for it.
I thought becoming a candle maker, but I wasn't sure wick end was up.
I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment.
I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and on the table was a checkered tablecloth. It took him 2 hours to pass me the salt.
I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me 'son.' I said, 'Why do you call me 'son'? You're not my father.' He said, 'I brought you up, didn't I?'
I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything else, trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
If I planned to stay up past my bed time to pursue amour, could I say I planned to sin till late tonight?
If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits.
If the FBI augmented its postal posters of 10 Most Wanted by painting the info on coffee containers and dispensing them, would I drink my morning coffee from a mug with the mug of a mugger?
If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
In all the commotion the little moth asleep on the light fixture awakened. He listened to the story in amazement. As the whole story unfolded the moth became terribly sad - Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
In Baltimore, the Psychic Friends Network has filed for bankruptcy. They say they never saw it coming.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids!
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians. He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans. It seems his telegram read, "How about a Czech mate?"
It's a good thing someone invented venetian blinds, otherwise, it would be "curtains" for everyone.
Jan. 19, 1896 the first music patent was granted. The man who received it said he got it for a song.
Jurisprudence fetishists get off on technicalities
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
Many campaign promises are sound. Just sound!
Many years ago there was a small town that had several bakeries. One of these was run by the aunts of a man named Penn. He and his aunts baked the best pies in the state. Not only that, but they were also the least expensive. Now the other bakers could make equally delicious pies, but Penn always sold more, for no one could beat the 'pie rates of Penn's aunts'.
Mark Twain at one time was arrested but got off scot-free because the judge was in a good mood. He decided to offer Samuel Langhorne clemency.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before
Possible Company Mergers:
1. Xerox and Wurlitzer:
Joining forces to make reproductive organs.
2. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company expected to be called Fairwell Honeychild.
3. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
4. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush Co.
and W. R. Grace Co.
New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
5. 3M & Goodyear:
To be known as: Mmm-Good.
6. John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
New company will surely become Deere Abi.
7. Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Combining forces to become Honey, I'm Home.
8. Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
To now become Mine, All Mine
9. 3M, J.C. Penney, Canadian Opera Company:
New company slated to be called 3 Penney Opera
10. Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Will be known from now on as Poupon Pants
11. Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Joining forces to become Knott NOW!
12. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
What else but Zip Audi Do-Da
Miracle of the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
My next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
My wife just performed an act of plastic surgery. She cut up all her credit cards.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time
Office door of NASA executive: 'Out to Launch.'
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor....
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Jen the kitty Community Member 
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