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please, just dont bother reading this, im just venting...it really is a waste of your time... i really mean it..why am i even posting this???...seriously dont...and i dont care about spelling caps or anything of that matter, i just wanted to post...its just me doing a stupid rant...its long and stupid so dont read it!!!

meh... stare
last change to leave....

ok then...
i warned you... its really long...
here we go...

everything is getting worse...why cant i ever just be happy for once? and why cant i sleep?! i feel tired all day and then at night im wide awake, all f'ing night. why is it i can NEVER sleep when i want to?? like on sunday?i think...i have such bad short-term memory now, days just go by so fast, they feel like blurr, like im living in a dream. some days i will even get confused thinking that its a different day, but then i realise its still the same day, just a few hours later...well anyways on sunday i was really tired and by the time i was ready to go to bed i was wide awake and i felt like running around the block in the snow i was so loaded with energy..but i was tired at the same time.. my brain just wouldnt let me sleep. so..i kept looking at my clock, and thinking, only a few more hours till i have to get up.. and then before i knew it, there was only a few minutes, and then my alarm went off, and to my surprise i was still fully charged, i was still full of energy. and even at school i felt awake but really tired at the same time.. im so screwed up... lack of sleep makes me even more depressed.. and im sick of it!
Where is all the time going? the days go by sooo fast, that i dont even realize it.. but then night feels so long..all i ever do anymore is just waste time... i'm really out of it at school... and i really cant concentrate... and things that i used to love feel like just another chore, like in art we are doing clay sculptures, which was fun, but now i just dont feel like it..and well, everything else is piling up...and so i do a halfass job on everything...i really just dont care.. im so stressed out right now...its just so much...i really dont know how much more i can take.... i feel like im at my exploding point. all the things ive been keeping inside are ready to burst out..i dont want to break down... i really dont want that to happen, it would not be ********... i really do need help, now more then ever, its getting WAY out of control, im scared..im really scared...i really wish that i could talk to my friends about it, and i should. but i cant bring myself to do it..and i dont feel like i can trust them, i really dont know why, but im sorry...i should be able to, but i just dont...its just been so long... i should have told them a year ago, but its just too late...i know how they feel about that subject and i seriously can't bring myself to tell them, they would hate me...i think i should see a shrink or something..but then again its probably too late..i really dont know what to do, ive dug myself into a hole that is too deep to escape on my own,and its all my fault...... i feel like a zombie or something, i feel like im dead, but yet im here...why am i still here? please tell my why i am still here...it really is pointless...seriously....i truly believe that no one would care if i dissapeared, since most people tell me to go die anyway...but i really dont care about anything anymore, and i wish that everyone could just forget me already... i would be much better off if i was alone and forgotten for real, i only feel that way, and i know its not going to happen...even when im with my friends and i should be having fun, i feel alone.... gah...i really wish that everyone could just leave me alone.. im sick of this........im sick of being depressed, im sick of keeping things from my friends/ family, im sick of stupid insomnia, im sick of school, im sick of my family, im sick of faking, and im just sick of life...
and i seroiulsy think that there is something else wrong with me.... at the end of the week i seem to lose my sanity temproarily... i seriously go crazy, like extreme hyper mode..i laught at everything and i say random things, i say things that i cant control, i just realised that i even say some pretty mean things to my friends..and im sorry...i cant control myself...one of my friends moms thought i was on drugs or something...but im not...and i dont know, i will laugh for the whole time im with them, but still feel depressed, but im having fun at the same time.. and then when i leave, and go home.. i dont know why but im even more depressed...i just crash..... and to top it all off then i cant sleep(its usually on a friday night)... i dont know whats wrong with me...lol..
ok... then...im done.... gonk

i wish it was friday...i seriously thought it was friday on monday...i dont know how that happened... xd stare lol well yeah... thats that.....sorry for those of you who read this and wasted so much of your time...i warned you it would be long and stupid..

wow, that took a long time to type...
its even longer than my other long one.. lol
xp

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