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I can't wait to go to the sweet heart ball tomorro. It's gonna be so awsome! The guy that I had a crush on for quite a couple years now might go. Also this guy that has a crush on me in my science class might go aswell. I dont know about my other friends though. They have problems with the fact that I'm not perfect. They dont understand that I'm not always all grown up.... that my mind isnt always peacefull or G rated. They cant take that part of me. It feels like no one can. They yell at me for it as if it's my fault. I hate the person I am starting to become. I dont want to change this way... to be against all these people and have them against me. but I dont know how I can change anything thats going on. I know I'm only in my freshman year of highschool... but sometimes I wish everyone would just grow up. I mean... for god's sake... I'm going out with a college student in another state. He's a really awsome guy and all... it just depresses me that I have to get someone that far away, and that much older. That no one who actually looks me in the face can think of me as a kind of person that they could live with. Everything inside of me is just balling up waiting to come out... but each time I feel like I can let it out, it's an inappropriate time. Nothing I do is good enough for the people around me. It hurts to see this reality so clearly. But the worse part is that I only like the people that i dont think could ever like me. Maybe it's because I dont like people being close to me. I dont like people judging me as something I'm not. And my parents keep telling me not to do all of these things that I dont even want to do! Like smoking and whoring myself off. Its like they expect me to do such degrading things. And when my family isnt telling me not to do these things, they are either ignoring me, or yelling at me for some small house chore. And then they say that they understand. If they understand, tell me why is it that they just LOVE to get on me about it. I wish they would just step off and leave me to be myself for a while. I wish I could see my bf.... he seems like just about the only person who understands me and/or cares about me as a human being... instead of some possession.... I dont know what to do.
 Kitsune Baby Girl · Sat Nov 20, 2004 @ 12:17am · 0 Comments |
