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I thought that she would make it. I thought that everything was going to be okay after the bone marrow transplant. I was so wrong. I feel like part of me has been ripped away. I'm still in denial about it most of the time. I keep thinking none of it happened and she is still in the hospital. I've been crying non stop and I know that makes me selfish. I should be happy that she is out of pain and that she is no longer suffering. I should be happy that she is in heaven with God where nothing bad happens. I want to be happy for her I really do. All I am thinking about is myself though. I keep thinking about how sad I am and how much it hurts me. When I first found out she passed away I was angry. I was angry with her, myself, and God. I was mad at her because I thought at first she just gave up. I thought that she just didn't care anymore. How could I think that? I know how hard she fought. I know that she did her best to hold on. How could I think that she would just quit!? It just shows how bad of a person I am. I was mad at God for taking her from us. I was mad that he gets to see her whenever he wants and we can't. I am still mad at myself for not being able to say goodbye. I'm mad that I never went to see her to tell her how much I loved her. I'm mad that I never appreciated her when I had the chance. I'm mad that when I did see her I wouldn't tell her how I felt. I'm mad that whenever I went and it was time to leave I would cry. Crying makes me a weak person. I wasn't strong for her. After she got sick I was never there for her. She probably thought that I didn't care anymore. Now it's to late for me. I can't see her anymore and tell her. I can't help but feel hatred toward myself for what I didn't do. I'm going to miss her so much. crying
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