Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

you know.. it just hit me why i haven't been at my moms for three weeks.. one.. my mom and master rick.. now, rick is nathans dad, nathan is my brothers friend. my mom and rick have been spending alot of time together, not that theres anything wrong with that.. its just.. i miss my mom.. spending an hour in the morning watching c-span when our local news wouldn't work.. hehe, we would make fun of all those weird looking political people with the funky old hair. ^_^ i miss those days.. but.. sadly.. they won't be coming back. i miss being able to talk with her. i can't now because, shes always with rick or thinking she has to call rick.. i'm ******** sick of it! ricks cool and all, but.. this is just too much! i want my mommy.. i know how childish that must sound, and it does, but, you may not have any idea how i'm feeling. i like rick, hes an artist like myself, hes funny, a little bland at times, but, we get along alright. i used to watch movies with him befor my mom got home from work. rick would fall asleep ^^. i'm tearing up cause.. this isn't a great day.. i have absoluty no one to talk to.. i just wanna talk. about nothing in particular, just talk.. but no one. online, or at home. no one to tell whats on my mind.. no one to catch me when i fall.. no one..
two.. the girlfriends.. yes.. i won't lie.. i get jelous of girls hanging out with my brother and his friends.. sometimes i think, hey! i was here frist, so back the ******** off! they're kind of like my brothers in a way. i don't like it when i see my brother with a hicky from that ******** whore felicia.. i cried when i saw it. i didn't think he, my brother, a whore he may be, but.. to do that! with felicia. i couldn't belive it. i didn't talk to him for three days, i was so upset. he even knew i didn't like her. i talked to him about it later, he says he regrets it. i told him he should. not so great on my part, but.. i just couldn't belive it. to get off of the subject of my brothers bitches, back to the friends. lil joe, kasey, nathen, and joe.. they always come with girls, and if they do, theres at least one for each of them.. stare i lie in my bed at night, listening to the bass of what they're listenin too.. not being able to see my hand, because the smoke is so thick.. how uncomfortable my bed is, i must get up.. but i just lie there, trying to drown out all the laughter, all the talking, all the loud bumps on the ground from god knows what.. the gigglin, the black light that somehow made it just to the foot of my door.. i wonder.. can they really be having that much fun? and i'm going to bed? but theres nothing i can do.. nothing i can say.. just a quick hi from the sofa, befor they all go upstairs.. yes, the dreaded upstairs.. i'll go as quickly as i can just to make it to my room.. its scary.. the girls exiting in pairs to use the restroom. kasey coming out to get something to drink.. i have to pass them on my way to bed. its frightening.. what do i say? hi, how are you doing? no.. no no no.. i don't know these people. and i don't like them.. i don't want to know them.. that sounds mean, but i don't. i miss it when they were good boys, who would watch movies with me.. but those days came to a hault long long ago.. why now?! why now when i could really use them.. now.. i'm on the verge of crying, and as i say this, they are all in my brothers room upstairs.. well, i'm going to go to bed now.. i cannot stay up any longer.. and.. the only reason i came here tonight was because i heard i was missed.. not missed enough.. three weeks of not being here.. and i feel like its different.. i feel imprisoned in my own home, the home i grew up in.. its a battle we're waging, between the home.. my room is a sanctuary.. his room.. a morgue.. there is a fine line between the hallway.. no ones keeping me company.. no one to appriciate.. anything.. nothing of me.. i'm back to square one.. well, maybe i never even left it.. but.. i want to.. i wanna get off this island.. further over there.. good night.. and pleasent dreams.. my friend...