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Damn.
Just, damn.

I should be writing a current events report that's due tomorrow right now, but I can't concentrate. My mind keeps spinning away towards things I don't want to think about...

Like rape.
-.-'
I told my best friend what happened to me when I was twelve, or rather, I told him to read a part in a book, and told him that's what happened to me. Then he tried to make me say what happened out loud. I don't know why, and it sort of hurt to say it. Now, he won't talk about it. It's like an elephant in the room..... [A poem; there's a huge elephant stuffed into the room that everyone bumps into and it drives them nuts but no one says anything and everyone pretends not to notice] I can't take not talking about it now. I'm a vocal person, if you hadn't realized. Sometimes I just wish I were quiet and secretive and shy, but I'm not and it drives me nuts. He won't talk about my eating disorder, either.

Now I've told Jake about what happened when I was young, but I told him via the book as well, so I'm not even sure if he read it or what he thinks.....

Do they believe me? Do they think I'm lying? Do they think I'm dirty, or insane, or slutty, or stupid? Do they hate me for it? Are they creeped out or turned off by me?Do they understand what I told them? Do they get it? Do they realize what I meant?

Aaahhhh........

But see, there's the reason. The reason why I used to hate to touch people. Why I couldn't fall asleep in the smae room as someone. Why I stopped sitting next to my dad or talking to him, why I couldn't look at my brother for a while, why guys scared the s**t out of me. Right there is the reason why I have anxiety issues, self-esteem issues, why it's still hard for me to touch people sometimes. Why sex scares the s**t out of me. Why I've become impulsive- why I'll hit or kick people that I love, and be happy when they hit back. I know it's not right, but sometimes the only way that makes me happy is when there's violence......... I hate violence with other people, but being beat up........ I'm fine if it's me...

I'm completely mentally insane. Thank you, that is all.