Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I went to the doctor today and as he ran his battery of tests, I couldn't help but think, what's the use? We both know that I am dieing. I guess the difference between the doctor and I is that I have resigned myself to my fate, while he still fights for an answer. I've given up asking GOD why, out of all the bad people in the world, he chooses a good one to die. GOD never answers me anyway. I'm almost beginning to lose my faith, I think. I look for answers to my questions in the stars and in the sky and in everyday things, but I never get anything of substance. I guess I'm looking for something dramatic, like in the movies where GOD speaks from the sky in a loud and omnipotent voice. Ever since I've had this disease that will kill me, I've looked for GOD. Not just he himself, but proof of his presence. They say it's all around us, for none of this would exist without HIM, but lately I'm finding myself doubtful. As I write this, my eyes grow tired. The medication makes me sleepy. I still haven't told that man I love that I am dieing. He thinks I just have low iron, which causes drowsiness. I love him. I hope he understands why I haven't told him, when my time comes and I pass away. Well, I am very tired and my eyes will not stay open, so I will write more tomorrow. Still must come up with a title for this journal. At least one that coincides with my situation.