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Lately i've been getting these weird feelings of abandonment. They mostly strike at random and leave me feeling alone, depressed and paranoid. Don't worry bout the depression, I have a low pain tolerance and so therefore would never even consider suicide. Besides, there are too many things for me to do still.
These lonely, depressing feelings tend to strike around nighttime, but not always. They started some day in march. I was doing my homeowrk in my room with the music on, and all of a sudden I got that feeling. I just told Nitro, my mom and Spils it was because doing homework makes me feel alone and thats why I don't do it. I never told them about the depression and such. I never finished that homework assignment, or many more after that.
I suppose maybe it's just because I don't like being alone, perhaps thats why I became an internet junkie. But recently that hasn't helped much either.
It's been happening more that I'm out of school, but maybe...maybe its my subconcious trying to tell me something.
Not telling Ryan [Mr. Rose for some of you] how I feel has been haunting me all summer. In the beginning all my dreams had him in them, my loser in aluminum foil. I heart him anyways. And even though the appearance of guys in my dreams have been changing, I still know they're him, mostly because I am never the same appearance either. I'm just so confused.
I haven't been myself lately. I get snippy at people for no reason. I get depressed. I've been feeeling unintelligant: forgetting how to spell words I once knew, saying words wrong multiple times, and forgetting where something is when I just set it down. Now I feel like crying for no reason. Maybe something is wrong with me. I hate this feeling of stupidity and lonliness and depression. My only good news is that when I am around certain people my self esteem gets a little boost.
Thats all I got for now. I'm going to go to bed now, and hope this was all just a dream.
~ Shavonne
Written from 11:05 to 11:25, 7/20/08