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*sighs* hello everyone, Kyo is in a very upset mood right now. I dont' know how, but every time I finally am in a really good mood my mother has to ruin it. Seriously, that woman has a personal vendetta against me or something. For someone who loves me so damn much she sure ruins my moods real fast. *sighs* but, I'm not putting her down, she is an amazing mother, just not very good when it comes to making her children feel good mentally >.<

Anyway, I know it's been a while, I guess I just got lazy and didn't feel like posting. But anyway, I got my hair done today *chuckles* It's really cool, it was already short, so I just got it trimmed and evened out and then colored REALLY RED. And by red, I mean red. It kicks a** <3 But enough of that, it wasn't that special.

Onto the reason I felt like posting and ranting. My mother and I went to the movies tonight (went and say The Cave and Skeleton Key back to back, hah) and on the way home we got into an argument. And it's left me sad and very upset.

Alright, I was talking to my mother, telling her how I was trying to improve my self esteem and such because it's one of the reason I think I have such bad social skills. She just laughs and is like "You? You have to much self esteem that you are selfish" and really, that just showed how little she truly knows me and how selfless a person I am by default *sighs*

Anyway, the conversation didn't end there. Usually it would, and I'd just pout and be quiet, but I got really annoyed and for once I talked back. Saying a few things. It ended up in another war about hte "computer"

For years now my mother has bashed the computers. Saying that it's her fault because she let me get on it so young. That it'st he reason I'm bisexual, and why I decided to not be christian anymore, and why my views on life are the way they are. And really, that truly hurts. Because I am the way I am because I want to be, not because someone on teh computer told me to or I read something and it sounded "cool."

We start arguing, and I start YELLING at her. Something I never do unless I finally just lose my cool. Which I did, badly. So we bicker some more, and it gets into the subject of I feel like she doesn't like me or accept me as a decent person and it really hurts. And hten she says she does like me, just thinks I could improve a lot. Which then made me really pissed because the WHOLE CONVERSATION STARTED WITH ME SAYING I WANTED TO CHANGE MY FAULTS. Dammit, I say I wanna change, and it starts an argument with my mom bashing who and what I am?

This is like the 50th time we've gotten on this subject, and it's wearing thin. Seriously. The computer...the reason I'm the person I am? Sure, I live on the computer, sure, it's something I do a lot...but the reason I'm bi, non-religious, believe in things that many other people dont, etc? I dont' think so. Sure, I've read about these things, but all it did was make me realize what I was, not that it sounded "cool" or something I wanted to do. It made me realize I was already that, and just didn't know what it was called....

If anything, the computer is hte only thing that's kept me alive, the only thing that's made me realize a lot of things about this world, but I didn't make those decisions of my beliefs because of hte computer, I did it because I learned many different views and realized what mine was.


But anyway, I'm just tired of my mother bashing who I am all the time. For someone who says hse loves me and likes me and thinks I'm a wonderful person, she sure does hate a lot of things about me, doesnt' she?

Sometimes I wonder whose worse, my judgemental mother or my father who likes to throw hissy fits and b***h at me for hours for doing something really small and stupid...maybe they are equally bad in their own reasons...

but, I can't hate either of them, they are great parents, and they have raised my brother and I so well...and I don't htink my mother realizes it. If she saw how other kids our ages were, she'd realize what great kids we are because of how we were raised. But she doesn't realize this, and thinks it's her fault we are "weird" or "think differently"

*sighs* anyway, that's about it, I don't want to work myself into much more of a frenzy. Thank you for reading. Comments, advice, or comfort would be loved, thank you...*bows and sighs again, looking like she needs a hug badly*