Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

MAN TEARS! >.>

yea... i got over it >.<

theres a thousand other fish in the sea, but only one C to be urs >.<

i dont think i got over it...
and its 2009 now
ive been rethinking things, and for some reason... i just couldnt help but think about him...
we still havent spoken. i miss him so much, and i wish i could tell him so much, but im too afraid of being rejected. and im also afraid that things would turn out the way they are now, unspoken words....

now, the last time i talked to him was on that day.
June 4, 2009.
i wanted to get people to sign my yearbook and i went over to my girl friends, and apparently they sit on the bench next to the guy i like and my other old guy friends. he signed the yearbook and i was happy. we talked for a few minutes. (his voice got deeper and he got taller, hes either as tall as me now or the same height) then when i said hi to him the next day, he didnt say anything... again. unspoken words
sucks o-o but theres more problems already in my life so...... i'll try to survive this one (:

i still think about him at times.
reminiscing those moments we had together.
it may have been 2-3 years, but it all feels like yesterday.
but it all went away.
things are definitely different now, but i dont know..
someone told me, u will never forget about ur first love, but i dont even know if it was love. i was young and naive, and i just dont know if it was real.
i still remember that day when he said he might have felt that way as well..
but now its all different.
he ignores me everyday and its like i dont even exist to him.
oh well...

Err. . .
Still haven't talked to him.
Still hasn't talked to me.
Silence fills air when we pass eachother.
"He's in my mind no matter how much I try to get him out. . It never works because the thought of him always makes me think that he'll always be around, and will catch me when i fall."
Love is a complication in life, but life is the conflict.
You'll always have to go through the worst before finally having your happy ending.
Does he still think about me?
Did he really mean what he said when he wrote to me that love note?
I still think about the times we used to laugh and have fun, but it all feels like simple memories, or sweet dreams that are now beautiful nightmares.
xDDDD (( quotes from songs. haha ))
Well. . . I try to fall for other guys, trying to push him out of my mind, but that method never words.
Although, i still think of that guy, then again him. . .

"When i first met you, I never would have imagined i would have fallen in love w/ you. ." -quote

-P.S. OMG TOO MUSHY >u<;;

Never expected this to happen. . .
My old guy friends, just a few of them, came to my house for trick-or-treating.
They yelled for my name, but I didn't come because I didn't hear it, until my brother called me over to go to his room to look out his window, since his window overlooks the front of the house.
They wanted some candy, but I lied and told them I didn't have any.
And he was with them.
When I realized he was there with them, my heart slowed down.
A decrease of my heart rate. .
It hurt, just to see him in front of my house.
It makes me wonder why he was there with them, since he didn't live in my neighborhood anymore.
The only time he was at my house was on my 12th birthday.
I invited him and some other guy friends.
He came late, but I didn't mind, since he really did come.
. . . I really wonder if he thought about me when he came with them.
If he wanted to see me again. . .
I doubt it.
I wish he would just tell me flat out what he thinks about me.
If he thinks he still wants to be friends and talk, or be together again, or if he thinks I'm a piece of crap.
I just want to know.
It hurts enough to wonder, and it hurts that everything is still left as unspoken words.

Him, oh.. him.
In February '10 he got a girlfriend.
I hid away the crushed feeling and only revealed anger, which pretty much seemed like jealousy to anyone.
I can't deny the possibility.
I think I only talked about him to one or two of my friends.
But, really, I wouldn't vent about him to people.

Him being with another girl is impossible for me to see, then again, now it is impossible for me to see him with me. I can't help but receive that small chance of hope that he'll tell me what he's thinking. I doubt we'll talk again or meet each others eyes.

Ever since the end.. (between us)
No more smiling at each other
No more laughing at the stupid things we've done
No more challenging each other to see who's smarter
No more meeting each other's eyes
No more of that stupid notion of love..

That one day on the phone, 2-3 years, he said those three simple words..
Just to listen to them roll off his lips sent chills down my back, or at least it would have.
We were young, we didn't know what the hell we were talking about.
Now, there can't be a chance. I'm too much of a wimp to do anything about it.
He's moved on, definitely.

Returning to the beginning, he asked her out.
they liked each other, of course she'd say yes.
noticed i said "liked": past tense.
After about a week and a half they broke up.
The reason?
A friend told me..
He told her that he loved her. I presume it was because he thought you'd say those three unattainable words during every relationship. Maybe he just doesn't know that that was too soon. ( When he said it to me, it was about a month or two of the relationship. )
Also, during the week before the break up, it was his birthday week.
his birthday was on a friday, so she didn't break up with him til the next week.
Really, another thing that happened was he had never received his first kiss before. ( yes, we never kissed during the relationship. i never had my first kiss either ) Her, she definitely had her first kiss before. One time when she wasn't dating him and was with some other guy(hes a player), they kissed right in front of me. The first day those two (her and the player) got together, i heard they made out. THE FIRST EFFin' DAY! a whore i swear. though, whatever. i shouldnt really give a shyt. anyways, the story is.. he told her that he had never received his first kiss, so she got all nervous and pressured to kiss him. [they talked about it earlier that week (birthday week) about her giving him a kiss for his birthday present] idk, that's what i heard.
Truly.. i swear i got kinda pissed.

That's when I finally understood, when I found that out. I was somewhat envious, sure, but really, I was mostly thinking about whether this girl was good for him. I wanted to watch over him. I didn't want his heart to be broken like mine was back then. I didn't want him to cry for her at night like I did with him back then. I just didn't want him to get hurt. I wanted to watch him forever; his actions, his words, his person. I don't mind if he gets a girlfriend, but if I think that girlfriend's bad news, hell, I'd be tossing knives. I want him to be in a happy relationship.. like the one we used to be in.

words are still left unspoken..