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I definetly know what sadness is...I feel it right now. Its a hallow pit in your stomach, and ache in your heart, a loneliness in your soul. I feel it more and more every day. But no one knows that. I hide behind a false smile...and it pains me so much. I keep my friends clueless for their own good. I don't want nor need their false sympathy. I know its false because my whole life was false. Everyone falsely laughing at my jokes, hardly paying attention to my words. It doesn't matter what it is I say...they never listen anyways. So why do I even bother? I bother because I still want some sort of grasp on reality. To keep me from eternally slipping away into a void of darkness and loneliness...I can't remember the last time I was truly happy....wait...yes...I remember...when I was talking with him. My boyfriend...but...no one calls him that...no one thinks of him as my boyfriend but me and him...and they only think that because I met him online, and he lives in NY...Its killing me over and over. Their heartless words and empty lies. They pretend to care, but they never did. I was only truley happy when I spoke to him. But now he's in college...and he doesn't have alot of time for me...It saddens me to the point were I want to break. Why write all this personal stuff on an online journal you ask? Because, I reply...I need to get it out before I sink away...Seeing all the couples together in the school hallways...holding hands, hugging,kissing...it makes me sick. And...its sad, that I, a 15 yr. old girl...hasn't had a date, or even her first kiss yet...sure two guys asked me out...but I hardly even knew them. And they don't even know the first thing about me. But he does. I trust him! I can feel it in my heart. Not only are we compatable by the stars, but we get along very, very well. Its easy to make eachother laugh, and to comfort eachother. I can tell him things that I can't tell anyone else. And he consoles me, makes me laugh with his tales. ....I miss him so much...I just want to run away from home and travel the 300-some miles to his college dorm. And take him in my arms and never let him go...ever. Then, maybe I can finally be truely happy.