ScroatM
You probably spend enough time on the GD to where you could consider it your life, but I have some tips to help you out for those few lonely moments when you must step away from your desktop so that you can feel more comfortable, entertained, and generally stupid. I’ll list the trend/trait and then I’ll give a short description on how to apply it for real, usually along with some examples and pictures if you’re lucky. Enjoy.
VERY CLEVER USERNAMES
Legally change your generic name to something with a sexually explicit/disgusting and superior air, like “Duck Flavored Condom” or “Crusty Vaginal Seepage” and watch the amazing effects of using it in certain situations…
EXAMPLES (of when it will better your life)
During roll call, especially if there’s a substitute
During a job interview
When being arrested
When your mom is trying to ground you. Seriously, how could she stay mad while she’s calling you “Chocolate Boob”?
While your partner is climaxing. Having them scream “Paper Mache Nutsack!!!” while creaming will just add to an already great moment.
People will take you much more seriously; even idolize you if you do it right.
SAYING “WIN/FAIL”
There is no better way to express your acceptance/disgust for a topic other than a sentence fragment. Here are just a few of the ways you can employ this in your real life:
SAYING “FAIL”
If someone buys you something really lame for your birthday/Valentine’s Day/retirement.
When you walk in on your parents having sex.
During one of those diversity seminars at work.
When someone inspirational says something profound during an assembly at school.
When you find out you’ve impregnated someone.
At your funeral.
SAYING “WIN”:
To your parents if they ground one of your siblings.
To a hobo if he gets some money in his cup.
To your mailman when they give you your letters.
When you make it through the airport security line.
When you win a great divorce settlement.
After you lose your virginity.
MILDLY FUNNY BOARDS ABOUT VARIOUS DISTURBING/EXTREME ENCOUNTERS
Even if everyone knows you’re a pimply virgin who doesn’t leave the house enough to ever have experiences of any kind, it’s important you make up elaborate stories to tell anyone that comes by.
EXAMPLES OF STORIES TO TELL AND WHO TO TELL THEM TO
At a large gathering (this most properly emulates the GD): How you nailed a girl in the a** and she had explosive diarrhea all over your face.
To your parents: How the dog peed on you and you got sexually excited.
Old Lady: What a gay person did anywhere, because these always make for fantastic stories.
Police officer: How you dropkicked an ugly person for hitting on you.
Emphasis your voice mightily to compensate in place of capital words, let out ferocious laughs in place of “lulz”, and make a lot of extreme hand motions and facial expressions in place of emoticons. You might get arrested, institutionalized, beat with a cane, or grounded, but at least you’ve gotten your fair share of good shocked reactions for the day, and that’s what counts.
USING THE WORD EPIC
Simple. Replace every possible synonym for “good”, “bad”, or really anything you want, with “epic” in your regular conversation and even better, homework assignments.
EXAMPLES
“So I had a really epic fight with my epic friend and we were about to epic it all over the epic but then an epic epic maker ran in epicly and told us to epic it off or he would epic our epics and it would be really epic.”
“Isaac Newton epicly stated that if an object in epic stays in epic then it will continue in epic until an epic force acts epicly upon it.”
“Kristallnacht was an epic event in which a bunch of epic Nazis went epic all over the epic storefronts belong to a bunch of epic Jews. The night was so epic that a bunch of epic things happened afterward determining the epic World War II and thus has defined a epic definition for the meaning of epic.”
“2+2=epic”
Suddenly homework seems really exciting, right?
SAYING “FTW”
“FTW” is obviously “WTF” backwards. It’s fun to say because you’re breaking the norm (even though everyone else does it)! Take regular things in life and flip them backwards in order to liven things up.
EXAMPLES
Soup your eat!
Homework your do!
Me raping stop!
Nose your pick don’t!
d**k my suck!
FAKE RACISM
Well, this one’s pretty easy. Go up to a random black guy and shout something like:
“WHITE SUPREMACY 4EVER LOLOLZ”
“ALL NIGGERS ARE RAPISTS”
“COLOREDS ARE A WASTE OF MY TIME”
“BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD STOP STEALING MY BIKE”
But don’t expect a pat on the back like you get on the GD. The only pat you can expect would be from the bullet that happens to be personifying the stereotyping you were just going on about. The bad part will be that you’ll be too, well, dead to post about the irony of the situation on Gaia. But don’t worry hero, you’ll have died for a noble cause!
RANDOM PICTURES WITH [SEXUAL] COMMENTARY
To make this a real life game, find a situation like a grocery store, find something disgusting about a regular item, and then go up to random people and tell them what you see.
EXAMPLES
At a grocery store, go up to someone and say “LOOK AT THIS PIECE OF FRUIT. DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE IT HAS A p***s?” and then show them the item.
At a family gathering, steal your grandma’s dentures, gather everyone together and say, “LOOK AT THESE. DON’T THEY LOOK LIKE A v****a WITH TEETH?” and show them to everyone.
In prison, take some random black guy’s head, decapitate him, then go up to all the fellow inmates at recess time and say, “LOOK AT THIS GUY’S HAIR. DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE PUBES?” and then let everyone touch it.
Much better than sub-par pictures, I guarantee. Not only will it be entertaining, but I promise you you’ll make them look at things in a completely different light.
“DISCUSS” LISTS
Whenever you bring up a new subject, make sure you follow it up by saying “Discuss” and then listing two or three related options, with something totally bizarre thrown in just for laughs.
EXAMPLES
“I have a homework assignment due on Abraham Lincoln. Discuss: homework, teachers, Abraham Lincoln, the fact that a dogs mouth is cleaner than a human.”
“My mom is totally riding my a** about cleaning the refrigerator. Discuss: parents, cleaning, incest, the size of my p***s.”
“I got in a car accident on Friday! Discuss: car accidents, Friday, how badly I want to do Michael Jackson’s nose.”
“That was some great sex. Discuss: sex, how great it was, when you want to do it again, the fact that I peed in you a little.”
There will never be awkward silences because people will always have something to talk about, and if they don’t, you know it’s their problem and you’re just a talkative, social butterfly.
PICTURES WITH CAPTIONS
Most of the signatures are pictures zoomed in directly on a face that is posed in some odd way with a self-deprecating caption beneath. To apply this to your real life, cut off your lower body (because you’re just a face now) put your face in one position for the rest of time, and then make a tag that says something against your ears, eyes, nostrils, cerebellum, etc and staple it onto your neck. Wait (hope) for “THAT’S NOT TRUE” comments to come flying in. Argue. Repeat.
“DONATIONS ACCEPTED”
The only reason anyone donates to anyone on Gaia is because people put “Donations Accepted” somewhere. There are many days I’m walking around with some extra cash in my pocket and I think, “Oh my! Look at that person, someone I can unload my weighty funds upon! Oh what a lucky…OH GOD. WAIT. I DON’T KNOW IF THEY WILL ACCEPT MY DONATION BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T WRITTEN IT ANYWHERE ON THEIR BEING. IT’S OVER!” Thank god I don’t have to meet that dilemma on Gaia, because here there’s the kind “Donations Accepted” signatures. So what I’m thinking is, write “Donations Accepted” on your forehead, walk around, be friendly, and watch the green pour in. You’ll find that many people are generous, they’re just afraid no one will accept free stuff.
EXAMPLES OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ACCEPT DONATIONS
FONT COLOR OVERLOAD
Basically, the point of a big, obnoxiously colored font is an intricate way of saying “I HAVE A TINY p***s, BUT LOOK HOW I CAN COMPENSATE!”. In fact, the size of your font is directly opposite to the size of your p***s. It’s true, it’s science. Anyway you might already be set in the underdeveloped area, and if so, just stop wearing pants. If not, then wear a lot of colors, eat a lot of food, and scream at people. They’ll translate it on their own.
EXAMPLES
QUOTING OTHER PEOPLE AND USING THAT AS YOUR POST, WITHOUT ADDING ANYTHING NEW
Remember when you were 5 and you used to repeat exactly what somebody said after they said it and thought you were real damn clever?
This is the same game. If anyone says something witty, slightly funny, or morbid in any social situation, repeat it right after them. Don’t wait until they leave or there are new people in the room. Just say it. When your siblings copied the things you did, your mother always told you imitation is the severest form of flattery, and this is YOUR chance to be the little brother. Embrace, love, cherish it.
USING THE TERM “PROMMIE”
A lot of people are potential prommies: social retards, outcasts, virgins, etc.
The uglier they are, the better. On Gaia, once someone is photoshopped to where you can TELL its photoshop, that’s insta-prommie status. If they’re good looking they don’t have that much that needs to be changed, but if they’re ugly…that hot manufactured look is right around the corner!
As pertains to personality, it works the same as looks. The more shy, doormat-like they are, the easier it will be to fake a major attitude.
EXAMPLES
Are the chess team captain and the awkward girl with weird boobs losers? No. They’re prommies.
SAYING “LULZ”
Have you ever said this out loud? Do it. Right now. Yes, it’s empowering. Now, laugh normally. Compare the two. Which is better? The obvious choice is “lulz”, as is the case in the GD, so use it to replace all your normal “hahahas”. If you do this, people will find your sense of humor attractive and you will get laid a lot.
EXAMPLE
Person 1: (Joke)
Person 2: LULZ!
Person 1: -sexes-
POKEMON-LOVING
Easy to fake on the internet, but it might be a little harder to back up your claims for real. People need more proof in real life. For instance, you’ll have to wear the clothes, buy the cards, possess the little binder of amazing that holds the cards, own all the games, and talk about it like it matters. If you don’t actually like it this might get exhausting, so you have to devolve. That’s it. You liked Pokemon in first grade, right? So just take all of the steps you’ve made since first grade and work backwards until you find yourself drooling at the sight of Wizards of the Coast stores again.
EXAMPLE
POSTING [WITH PIX] TO GET ATTENTION
Even if it’s not true, this little topic suffix works great when you know it’s way too boring for anyone to click on it normally. There are plenty of situations where people do not want to be around you in real life and you need just the right catch to make them willing. THIS IS IT.
EXAMPLE
When your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you. Just tell her it comes “WITH PIX” and she’ll be spreading her legs faster than you can come up with an excuse for prejaculating.
HOW TO MAKE THE GD YOUR REAL LIFE
VERY CLEVER USERNAMES
Legally change your generic name to something with a sexually explicit/disgusting and superior air, like “Duck Flavored Condom” or “Crusty Vaginal Seepage” and watch the amazing effects of using it in certain situations…
EXAMPLES (of when it will better your life)
During roll call, especially if there’s a substitute
During a job interview
When being arrested
When your mom is trying to ground you. Seriously, how could she stay mad while she’s calling you “Chocolate Boob”?
While your partner is climaxing. Having them scream “Paper Mache Nutsack!!!” while creaming will just add to an already great moment.
People will take you much more seriously; even idolize you if you do it right.
SAYING “WIN/FAIL”
There is no better way to express your acceptance/disgust for a topic other than a sentence fragment. Here are just a few of the ways you can employ this in your real life:
SAYING “FAIL”
If someone buys you something really lame for your birthday/Valentine’s Day/retirement.
When you walk in on your parents having sex.
During one of those diversity seminars at work.
When someone inspirational says something profound during an assembly at school.
When you find out you’ve impregnated someone.
At your funeral.
SAYING “WIN”:
To your parents if they ground one of your siblings.
To a hobo if he gets some money in his cup.
To your mailman when they give you your letters.
When you make it through the airport security line.
When you win a great divorce settlement.
After you lose your virginity.
MILDLY FUNNY BOARDS ABOUT VARIOUS DISTURBING/EXTREME ENCOUNTERS
Even if everyone knows you’re a pimply virgin who doesn’t leave the house enough to ever have experiences of any kind, it’s important you make up elaborate stories to tell anyone that comes by.
EXAMPLES OF STORIES TO TELL AND WHO TO TELL THEM TO
At a large gathering (this most properly emulates the GD): How you nailed a girl in the a** and she had explosive diarrhea all over your face.
To your parents: How the dog peed on you and you got sexually excited.
Old Lady: What a gay person did anywhere, because these always make for fantastic stories.
Police officer: How you dropkicked an ugly person for hitting on you.
Emphasis your voice mightily to compensate in place of capital words, let out ferocious laughs in place of “lulz”, and make a lot of extreme hand motions and facial expressions in place of emoticons. You might get arrested, institutionalized, beat with a cane, or grounded, but at least you’ve gotten your fair share of good shocked reactions for the day, and that’s what counts.
USING THE WORD EPIC
Simple. Replace every possible synonym for “good”, “bad”, or really anything you want, with “epic” in your regular conversation and even better, homework assignments.
EXAMPLES
“So I had a really epic fight with my epic friend and we were about to epic it all over the epic but then an epic epic maker ran in epicly and told us to epic it off or he would epic our epics and it would be really epic.”
“Isaac Newton epicly stated that if an object in epic stays in epic then it will continue in epic until an epic force acts epicly upon it.”
“Kristallnacht was an epic event in which a bunch of epic Nazis went epic all over the epic storefronts belong to a bunch of epic Jews. The night was so epic that a bunch of epic things happened afterward determining the epic World War II and thus has defined a epic definition for the meaning of epic.”
“2+2=epic”
Suddenly homework seems really exciting, right?
SAYING “FTW”
“FTW” is obviously “WTF” backwards. It’s fun to say because you’re breaking the norm (even though everyone else does it)! Take regular things in life and flip them backwards in order to liven things up.
EXAMPLES
Soup your eat!
Homework your do!
Me raping stop!
Nose your pick don’t!
d**k my suck!
FAKE RACISM
Well, this one’s pretty easy. Go up to a random black guy and shout something like:
“WHITE SUPREMACY 4EVER LOLOLZ”
“ALL NIGGERS ARE RAPISTS”
“COLOREDS ARE A WASTE OF MY TIME”
“BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD STOP STEALING MY BIKE”
But don’t expect a pat on the back like you get on the GD. The only pat you can expect would be from the bullet that happens to be personifying the stereotyping you were just going on about. The bad part will be that you’ll be too, well, dead to post about the irony of the situation on Gaia. But don’t worry hero, you’ll have died for a noble cause!
RANDOM PICTURES WITH [SEXUAL] COMMENTARY
To make this a real life game, find a situation like a grocery store, find something disgusting about a regular item, and then go up to random people and tell them what you see.
EXAMPLES
At a grocery store, go up to someone and say “LOOK AT THIS PIECE OF FRUIT. DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE IT HAS A p***s?” and then show them the item.
At a family gathering, steal your grandma’s dentures, gather everyone together and say, “LOOK AT THESE. DON’T THEY LOOK LIKE A v****a WITH TEETH?” and show them to everyone.
In prison, take some random black guy’s head, decapitate him, then go up to all the fellow inmates at recess time and say, “LOOK AT THIS GUY’S HAIR. DOESN’T IT LOOK LIKE PUBES?” and then let everyone touch it.
Much better than sub-par pictures, I guarantee. Not only will it be entertaining, but I promise you you’ll make them look at things in a completely different light.
“DISCUSS” LISTS
Whenever you bring up a new subject, make sure you follow it up by saying “Discuss” and then listing two or three related options, with something totally bizarre thrown in just for laughs.
EXAMPLES
“I have a homework assignment due on Abraham Lincoln. Discuss: homework, teachers, Abraham Lincoln, the fact that a dogs mouth is cleaner than a human.”
“My mom is totally riding my a** about cleaning the refrigerator. Discuss: parents, cleaning, incest, the size of my p***s.”
“I got in a car accident on Friday! Discuss: car accidents, Friday, how badly I want to do Michael Jackson’s nose.”
“That was some great sex. Discuss: sex, how great it was, when you want to do it again, the fact that I peed in you a little.”
There will never be awkward silences because people will always have something to talk about, and if they don’t, you know it’s their problem and you’re just a talkative, social butterfly.
PICTURES WITH CAPTIONS
Most of the signatures are pictures zoomed in directly on a face that is posed in some odd way with a self-deprecating caption beneath. To apply this to your real life, cut off your lower body (because you’re just a face now) put your face in one position for the rest of time, and then make a tag that says something against your ears, eyes, nostrils, cerebellum, etc and staple it onto your neck. Wait (hope) for “THAT’S NOT TRUE” comments to come flying in. Argue. Repeat.
“DONATIONS ACCEPTED”
The only reason anyone donates to anyone on Gaia is because people put “Donations Accepted” somewhere. There are many days I’m walking around with some extra cash in my pocket and I think, “Oh my! Look at that person, someone I can unload my weighty funds upon! Oh what a lucky…OH GOD. WAIT. I DON’T KNOW IF THEY WILL ACCEPT MY DONATION BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T WRITTEN IT ANYWHERE ON THEIR BEING. IT’S OVER!” Thank god I don’t have to meet that dilemma on Gaia, because here there’s the kind “Donations Accepted” signatures. So what I’m thinking is, write “Donations Accepted” on your forehead, walk around, be friendly, and watch the green pour in. You’ll find that many people are generous, they’re just afraid no one will accept free stuff.
EXAMPLES OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON’T LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU ACCEPT DONATIONS
FONT COLOR OVERLOAD
Basically, the point of a big, obnoxiously colored font is an intricate way of saying “I HAVE A TINY p***s, BUT LOOK HOW I CAN COMPENSATE!”. In fact, the size of your font is directly opposite to the size of your p***s. It’s true, it’s science. Anyway you might already be set in the underdeveloped area, and if so, just stop wearing pants. If not, then wear a lot of colors, eat a lot of food, and scream at people. They’ll translate it on their own.
EXAMPLES
QUOTING OTHER PEOPLE AND USING THAT AS YOUR POST, WITHOUT ADDING ANYTHING NEW
Remember when you were 5 and you used to repeat exactly what somebody said after they said it and thought you were real damn clever?
This is the same game. If anyone says something witty, slightly funny, or morbid in any social situation, repeat it right after them. Don’t wait until they leave or there are new people in the room. Just say it. When your siblings copied the things you did, your mother always told you imitation is the severest form of flattery, and this is YOUR chance to be the little brother. Embrace, love, cherish it.
USING THE TERM “PROMMIE”
A lot of people are potential prommies: social retards, outcasts, virgins, etc.
The uglier they are, the better. On Gaia, once someone is photoshopped to where you can TELL its photoshop, that’s insta-prommie status. If they’re good looking they don’t have that much that needs to be changed, but if they’re ugly…that hot manufactured look is right around the corner!
As pertains to personality, it works the same as looks. The more shy, doormat-like they are, the easier it will be to fake a major attitude.
EXAMPLES
Are the chess team captain and the awkward girl with weird boobs losers? No. They’re prommies.
SAYING “LULZ”
Have you ever said this out loud? Do it. Right now. Yes, it’s empowering. Now, laugh normally. Compare the two. Which is better? The obvious choice is “lulz”, as is the case in the GD, so use it to replace all your normal “hahahas”. If you do this, people will find your sense of humor attractive and you will get laid a lot.
EXAMPLE
Person 1: (Joke)
Person 2: LULZ!
Person 1: -sexes-
POKEMON-LOVING
Easy to fake on the internet, but it might be a little harder to back up your claims for real. People need more proof in real life. For instance, you’ll have to wear the clothes, buy the cards, possess the little binder of amazing that holds the cards, own all the games, and talk about it like it matters. If you don’t actually like it this might get exhausting, so you have to devolve. That’s it. You liked Pokemon in first grade, right? So just take all of the steps you’ve made since first grade and work backwards until you find yourself drooling at the sight of Wizards of the Coast stores again.
EXAMPLE
POSTING [WITH PIX] TO GET ATTENTION
Even if it’s not true, this little topic suffix works great when you know it’s way too boring for anyone to click on it normally. There are plenty of situations where people do not want to be around you in real life and you need just the right catch to make them willing. THIS IS IT.
EXAMPLE
When your girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with you. Just tell her it comes “WITH PIX” and she’ll be spreading her legs faster than you can come up with an excuse for prejaculating.
MAKE THE GD YOUR REAL LIFE TODAY!
