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It's sad, really.

I post and I post and it doesn't really do anything. I gain nothing from it, no real sense of satisfaction or accomplishment. I just post to... post.

It's there, so why not? Right? Right.

I'm on autopilot. It's easier to be a passanger in life, than to just take the wheel. I'm not just talking about my lack of drivers liscense either. This is supposed to be deep stuff, but it's probably going to turn into diddly.

When I have to make a decision what do I do? Nothing. I do nothing. I let others take control and try not to make waves. Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of turning into the person that everyone hates. Despises. Just because they took control and made a decision the others could not.

I've realised recently, that I ignore the passage of time. My neice is almost 10 years old, and yet I still think of her as if she were that shy little 2 year old that hid behind her mother. I had not seen my cousins in over a year, at the very least, but I didn't hit me until confronted with how much more mature they seemed, and how much more outspoken they were.

I do the same with everyone else in my life. I fear change, and when it happens I ignore it in the hopes that it will go away. That it will just disappear and leave things the way they were. Leave me to my happy little world of denial.

I take things for granted. I assume too much, too often. I say things without thinking, or without elaborating on exactly what I mean.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Why talk to others if I'm just going to annoy them? Why go out if all I'm going to do is sit in a corner?

I wish people would just tell me to shut the hell up and leave them alone. It would make things so much easier.