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June 1997 - I've finally had a moment to sit and compose my thoughts. Rationality had left me for a good while. I will own up to my sorrows and my feelings of loss. However deep I may feel this pain, I know that what I am setting out to do is more important than ever.

I spoke with Minerva this morning. She was very somber as she brought up her proposition, and though I was tempted, somehow it had lost its flavor. Without Dumbledore, I could not for see myself ever teaching at Hogwarts. I wish Minerva the best of luck in her endeavors, and for the student's sake, I hope the school continues to operate. It may still be one of the last strongholds we have.

The evening it happened was a bit of a blur. I had been indulging in some very potent liquor from the Hogshead when I saw it. The dark mark was shimmering above one of the towers in the distance. There was a fire near the forest and the sounds of battle could be heard faintly from my spot in Hogsmeade. Rationality and sobriety found me far more quickly than I thought possible. I recall sprinting, an almost ethereal sensation to Hogsmeade. I ran into Rosemerta, tripping up on her and finding myself on the ground with a wand in my face. What I knew next was pain and darkness. I'd found out later that it was Rosemerta's wand that turned on me. The cruciatus curse was what had prevented me from coming to Dumbledore's aid. Rosemerta had been under the imperius curse all along. I wish I would have seen the signs more clearly.

Oh what I would give to have been in my room that evening instead. To have been alert and astute of my surroundings. Perhaps it would have ended differently. Perhaps there would have been vengeance. But that doesn't bring him back, does it? I can not bring myself to think it, let alone write even the mildest of obituaries... The funeral was hard enough.

I am ashamed of what could have been done, and where my loyalties have rested. The order could have used my talents and perhaps My past is irrelevant now. I am truly alone I can not turn to Dumbledore for his wisdom, and I feel as though stabbed each time I think of Severus.

My thoughts appear to still be jumbled. I'll have to stop in and see Bill. Arthur and Molly may still be here as well.

To happier times.