Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

 
 

View User's Journal

Report This Entry Subscribe to this Journal
Haruki's journal
fun times...
Writing again...
...just for the sole purpose that someone, anyone might stumble upon these entries. I write here what I don't have the courage or will to say elsewhere, this is where I vent, where I share myself. I do it so that there is privacy, yet also a sense of openness. I want people to read. I want people to know what I have to say, what I can't say elsewhere. This is how I feel, I want people to know, I want so badly for anyone to know, but all I feel is loneliness. All I feel is that sinking feeling that tells me no one cares. It tells me no one can know, it tells me who I really am doesn't matter, all that matters is how people perceive me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an attention whore, yet I do crave the knowledge that someone cares. I hide myself to lessen the attention others give to me. I hide myself so that I maintain a sense of normalcy about me. I hide myself from my friends, my family, my coworkers, everyone I know, just to fit in; just to feel their warped version of approval. Why do I want people to approve of me so bad, what's the point in living if it's not my life. What's the point in living if I can't live how I like? Why must people hate who I am just because someone else told them to, why can I not live who I am and still be loved? I crave intimacy with another individual just so they know who I am, just so they can be the one person who truly knows me. It seems like such a far off perversion of reality. I detach myself from everyone, treat everyone with the same ammount of familiarity, which is next to none. I tell people only part of me, but anything beyond that is secret. No one knows, no one can know. I'm so foreign to people because I don't want to hurt people, not like people have hurt me. I'm distant because I know how people will treat me if I'm not. I hate myself. I loath every ounce of my being. The tears I shed are tears of disappointment. Disappointment in myself. Disappointment in my life. Who I am, what I can't do, what I don't do. Everything I've molded my life for seems pointless. I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough. I try. I've tried for so long. I've worked so hard, for nothing. Not even a sense of self-satisfaction. I keep hating myself. Sinking deeper into my own mind, in my own thoughts. Dreaming of a better life, of a life I can live how I want with who I want doing what I want. I'm just not good enough to do what I want, I can't live how I want and the person I want to live with the most doesn't care. Loneliness, loathing, disappointment. Those are my chains, I can't get free.

help me get free


haruki_jitsunin
Community Member
  • [11/04/09 07:57pm]
  • [10/13/09 09:03am]
  • [04/30/09 11:29am]
  • [03/30/09 07:48am]
  • [02/24/09 12:49pm]
  • [12/23/08 11:18pm]
  • [11/17/08 10:12am]
  • [09/10/08 09:55am]
  • [08/16/08 10:01am]
  • [06/20/08 10:43am]


  • User Comments: [1]
    2 tell u something sometimes im a loner as well...sure its sad,lonely and wishing to get out of this hell-hole but u need to find something that ur good at....when i found it i met my bf...but at school sometimes im a loner so dont be trying dont put it hard on ur self u just think and want to much maybe they like u 4 who u r but u just cant c it.... crying

    comment deedee113 · Community Member · Sat Apr 12, 2008 @ 11:42am
    User Comments: [1]

     
     
    Manage Your Items
    Other Stuff
    Get GCash
    Offers
    Get Items
    More Items
    Where Everyone Hangs Out
    Other Community Areas
    Virtual Spaces
    Fun Stuff
    Gaia's Games
    Mini-Games
    Play with GCash
    Play with Platinum